LITTLE POLITICALLY CORRECT RED RIDING HOOD

[Phalynx]

This really cracked me up - I had to share!

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother," although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.

"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"

Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free.

"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical women's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community.

"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health."

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off. Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors. Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers. She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house. But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator.Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's night-clothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."

The Wolf said softly, "Come closer, child, so that I might see you.

"Red Riding Hood said, "Goodness! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"You forget that I am optically challenged."

"And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."

"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"

The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!

"The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her. At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"

"Sure," said the Wolf.

"Thanks."

"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said

"Do you have any rennie ?"

[Pie]

eeeeheheh.

[sanchez]

I know people who talk like that.

[SekoETC]

I'd read it before but I didn't remember much of it. The sad side is the world is gradually moving into that direction.

[DELGRAD]

Political correctness can go "copulate vertically".

"Do you have any rennie ?"

People like that make me ill.
My stomach is going to have contractions till my dinner is made known.

I'd read it before but I didn't remember much of it. The sad side is the world is gradually moving into that direction.

Not me ever. My state just passed a public smoking ban. Think that will stop me from smoking in public? They have a choice. Me smoke in a restaurant or outside. One or the other people.

[tiddy ogg]

There have been many parodies of Red, including Stan Freberg's Dragnet take, and my own involving drug dealing, but this was one of the best.

[formerly known as hf]

[wet blanket]

It's all well and good poking fun at extremes. But gender rights, labour rights and food sourcing are exceptionally important issues, and deserve to be considered seriously.

I think it's no over-sight that racism wasn't parrodied in that short. Because it is a serious issue - it does lead to oppression and violence.

Anti-racists used to be parrodied in just the same way as the above.

Gender rights are a major world issue. It is still the considered right and norm to beat your wife in many places. Female Genital Mutilation is still scarily common. We can all laugh at western women complaining about stereotypical social norms, but I doubt you'd be laughing if you earnt 10-20% less than you should...

Etc. for some of the other issues parrodied.

It's not 'political correctness' any more than being anti-racist is being politically correct.

[/wet blanket]

[Phalynx]

Yeah I agree but this bit goes back to a discussion we had here before about school rules and ASBOs. The people who is motivation is righteous in relation to so many issues end up doing what the FBI agent in the story did, which is at the crunch point directing the blame in the wrong direction. Blaming people's behaviour on their background and experience can only go so far before you begin to blame the victims.

[Schme]

Yeah, saw that one in a book a while back.

Good stuff. I'd forgotten about it until now. There's some other one's, I think.

[Nalaris]

Women in America have life an easier life than men, ecspecially if they're black in addition. Racism and sexism exist in other parts of the world, true, so can we please focus on giving those women and those blacks more rights? Or must we continue to give rights to women who already get into colleges easier and are frequently given promotions into management just to prove that the company is tolerant and open-minded? Perhaps by giving the women more rights than men in some parts of the world, it'll balance out men having more rights than women in others?

[Phalynx]

[tiddy ogg]

Between the Congo and the Nile,
There lies a swamp of aspect vile,
But at its heart a city standeth,
As bright and gay as Gyles Brandreth. (1)

And to this city, long ago,
There came a doctor you all know,
And too you'll know of Stanley, who
Was seeking him, without a clue.

Let's venture to this city, then,
Ruled by Ayesha, she, whom men
Bow down, for she must be obeyed,
Or else with death they would be paid.

The doctor comes there, and so bold
Says: "Queen Ayesha, you're very old,
But I can give rejuvenation,
With but a simple operation.

"To keep, dear Queen, your folk's affection,
You'll need, methinks, a new complexion.
I'll soon provide new physiognomy,
And do so, dear, with great economy.

"Send out for virgin sacrificial,
Of beauty great, though superficial,
And simple facial transplantation
Will make you loved by all your nation.

"And while we're at it, why not trade
Your legs for those from some young maid,
And bosom too, which when re-sited,
Will have your warriors most delighted."

And so began, this evil man,
To carry out his monstrous plan,
And from the body parts assembled,
A creature made, who quite resembled...

...All the beauties through the ages,
Centre folds from Playboy's pages,
Zuleika Dobson, Trojan Helen, (2)
Far more examples than I'm tellin'.

The doctor, to perform this art,
Alas was forced to stop her heart
How else would he fit such prosthetics,
With no recourse to anaesthetics?

He therefore built a lightning rod, he
Attached the cable to her body,
And waited until nature's whim,
Could finish off the job for him.

The lightning flashed, the thunder roared
And all the world was shaken,
And while our doctor paces, bored,
Pigs run to save their bacon. (3)

Meanwhile, our Stan, hired by the Sun, (4)
Approaches at a waddling run,
Protected by a cheap umbrella,
He found in someone else's cellar.

And as the storm roars overhead,
The lady stirs upon the bed,
And Stanley, shouts into the room,
"Doc Livingstein, sir, I presume."

Ayesha rose with baleful stare,
The lightning bolt had singed her hair,
She took a step, rotated, cursed...
One leg, though lovely, was reversed.

Revolving slowly in her fury,
Ayesha, lawyer, judge and jury,
Embittered, made this parting shot:
"Friends, your careers have gone to pot."

"What happened?" Stan says, as the two
Stand pot-bound, turning into stew.
"Hell hath," doc said as ffire was torched,
"No fury like a woman scorched."


* * *

(1)Gyles Brandreth - Rather un-masculine TV personality, famed for his multi-coloured jsweaters.
((2) Zuleika Dobson - eponymous heroine, a modern day Helen. Can't remember who wrote the novel.
(3)Regular sufferers of Ogg doggerel will know that at this point I normally go off at a tangent. This time I

simply changed the rhyme scheme for a verse... and plagiarism? Don't know the word.
(4) One of the less salubrious British tabloids.

[Black Canyon]

[Schme]

Women in America have life an easier life than men, ecspecially if they're black in addition....

No offense intended, man, but that is totally untrue.

Yeah, some women get jobs because companies want to look like they’re not sexist. Sure, some minorities get jobs because of quotas. And sure, some of them don’t deserve those jobs, at least not more then anyone else.

But man, if you honestly think women in America, or Canada for that matter, have it easier, you’re wearing rose coloured glasses.

How many men get beat up in their own home by their wives? How many woman is C.E.O. of fortune five hundred?

Why is America only ten percent black, but about thirty percent of it’s prisoners are black? Now if anything tells you something’s wrong, that does, guy.

Man, woman get the short end of the stick fucking always. They’re always bitch to the men, they are always the one’s getting beat up, and aside from in the prisons, they’re the ones get raped.

Women who work get less money then men, and everyone knows it. Most women are less aggressive then men, and so give in at work to less pay, get passed over for job promotion (if they’re in a job where they can get promoted) and raise. Men never get sexually harassed at work. Woman secretary wants to bring a criminal sexual harassment charge against there boss (who, let’s face it, gonna be male), he just gets a corporate lawyer, and the girl gets the door.

White man and a black man go to court for same crime, white man gets out earlier. Anybody can tell you that.

And not just black men. Anybody minority will get screwed over.

There’s been a Catholic president of the U.S.A. That’s because some Catholics, like the Kennedy’s, are in the elite aristocratic class, the only people who can really have any sway under the current system. There has never been and never will be a black president. Sure, black secretary of state, defence, whatever. Those are appointments of Uncle Toms.

Sure, there’s tonnes of rich black guys. But none who are billionaires, none who will ever really break into the aristocratic class.

Look at the Bush family. Ignore their politics. Just look at the history. George Bush was president. His son is a governor. Now his other son is also president. These families aren’t going anywhere. Notice also, his wife, no politician.

There’ll never be a first man in the Whitehouse.

(The situation in Canada is pretty much the same, and getting worse and worse as the years go by.)


Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m one the most sexist men you’ll ever find (at least, feminists have called me sexist.). Gender roles, I’m all for.

But man, what you say there, just not true.






Nice poem, man. Did you write it?

[Phalynx]

I am rather surpised Nalaris has not been lynched...