Looking for friends of Claivuus

[Ryan's Mum]

Ryan's run-in with a car was in 2001...have you known him that long, Sharon? All his visits to the Hospital since 2003 were directly related to Diabetes. Unfortunately, he did not "forget" to take his insulin; he was suicidal and did it on purpose. He also needed thyroid medication that he refused to take. Mental Health professionals, however, would NOT diagnose him as suicidal because he was not ACTIVELY trying to hurt himself. If he had tried to overdose on his meds, he would have received appropriate care. But, because he was passive about it, the doctors just kept sending him out into the world again when he was stabilized.

This may seem pretty personal and brutal, but it's the truth. I am not going to lie to you. Ryan suffered from depression and hid behind the anonymity of the computer; it was his way of being a member of the universe without having to face the world.

I can't remember how long he's had the 'tbr' yahoo, but I did think it was longer ago than 2003 that we started using it, but I'm just not sure. If it's a reference to something in cantr, that's kinda cool. It means he really enjoyed the game, and there was not much he really enjoyed.

I do see one of the old roommates sometimes, he stops in to visit me once in a while, and he was the one who told me about cantr and the hotmail address Ryan used here as a contact. I don't see Geoff anymore, but for some time he was the one who kept me informed of Ryan's health, when Ryan wouldn't keep in touch. When Ryan told me that Geoff and James were going to have Mac & Cheese for Christmas dinner 2004, my family made them join us in my home for Turkey and Pumpkin Pie.

Lauren, I believe, lives in Florida. She has been informed of Ryan's death. The House Mum had Ryan's Mental Health worker call her. Ryan had a list of short-term goals taped to his bedroom wall, which included finishing high school, confronting his father, and traveling to Florida.

I used to talk to Tonna lots last Spring. He nearly died at that time from liver failure. Rachel, are you saying that she knows about Ryan? I have been thinking about her, about digging out old phone bills to find her number, as I can't find it written anywhere. I do remember him playing pool quite a bit, but i didn't know it was in Yahoo.

I can't thank you all enough for responding to me. Even the brief notes from those trying to decipher 'tbr' for me are greatly appreciated. I can also be contacted via the email address in my profile. Anyone wishing to email, please put "re:Ryan" or "cantr" in the subject line, in case it goes to my junk mail, so I know it's not junk.

Mum aka Karen

[SekoETC]

I believe you now, in fact I started getting the feeling pretty soon but couldn't be sure until now. I think I remember hearing about the car accident and account timeout but I never knew Ryan meself.

I put tbrncrzr into Google search and the first hit is his LaunchCast station. Funny thing, usually when ever I check if someone has a station, they don't. Would it be like music beyond the grave?
http://launch.yahoo.com/launchcast/stat ... 1236053444

If you haven't gotten into his email yet, hotmail accounts have the bad side of wiping out everything when they go into sleeping state. If no one logs in during the set time (30 days I think), it can still be revived afterwards but all that was inside will be lost. And people are told to use hard to guess passwords and never write them down. In cases like this it turns into a curse. Yahoo mail saves all sent messages on default but I don't know if it cleans itself if unused. *clears troat* Just some.. technical help since I ain't got anything personal to give.

[SierraBreez]

Well Ryan had gotten hit by a car in a cross walk last year, I remember him being gone awhile and coming back to his account having idled out (The one he started in 2003). He said he had spent some time in the hospital for it.

I knew Ryan was a very depressed individual, and knew a little about suicidal but not much. He talked about his depression to me a lot. He did very much enjoy the game. After his original account with all his original chars died his interest wasn't quite as strong it seemed. Also like was mentioned earlier he really enjoyed yahoo pool and often played tournaments. He also really enjoyed some comedy by Bob and Tom.

Sharon

[Ryan's Mum]

Thank you, SekoETC, for finding that site for me. I hadn't thought of googling his IDs, but I had tried the name(s) he went by IRL. I have Ryan's CD collection, and his little sister (age 8 ) and we listened to several of them on our trip at Christmas. He has a lot of Green Day and Nickelback. There was a Nickelback concert in our community recently, but by the time we learned of it, there were no more affordable tickets. Music is a very good way to connect with absent loved ones.

I will ask Ryan's roommate about the car incident, Sharon. I know nothing about it. He WAS hospitalized every 4-6 weeks, one time for just over 3 weeks, when he had the liver problems. I think that was in...July? They get all muddled up in my head, there were so many times. After 6 or so, I had to stop visiting him in Hospital because it was too emotionally disturbing, and I did not tell his sister about every time. Usually he was in the Critical Care Unit, and she was not allowed to see him there, anyway. I had to go to therapy to deal with it all. I'm glad I did, because it helped me skip the guilt part of grief.

Yes, Hotmail. After 30 days it goes idle. The address book remains intact, I believe, but saved messages disappear, and new messages are returned to sender. After 90 days, the account is deleted completely. And I do not know how long it had been since he logged on before Dec 12, as he depended on the public library for his Internet access since September.

Thanks for the ideas and info. Keep it coming! I will be sharing select comments with Ryan's sister soon, so she can be aware of some more of his friends. She finds ways to connect with him regularly, and even argued with other family members over who gets to decide what to do with her brother's ashes. She won, and the beautiful ash box my father made is in my living room.

Mum aka Karen

[Dee]

Things like this often leave an unreal feeling, and doubt, can we really believe that you are his mom, was he really who you say he was, is he really dead - or did this person ever even exist. In this case he was posting so actively that it's pretty sure there was a real person, not a role someone was pulling. And PD probably knows if his account name said Ryan. From Netty's reaction I'd guess that it did. And you sound real, Ryan's mom. Though I'm sure it has happened sometimes that someone in school decides to pull a prank and goes telling someone is dead on a site they don't visit anymore. I don't want to sound offending, the Internet just happens to be trust no one land.

Many times I've imagined this sort of a scenario of what would happen if I died. Would my mom ever figure out my passwords, things like that.

Maybe you can say something nice for a change, Seko. Try it, it feels good.


For Ryan's Mum, I am so sorry to know that your son has passed away.. I am also sorry that I never knew any of his characters or had any relationship with him on the forums.

[mikki]

HI.... It is me, Tonna... I heard about Ryan's death from Kevin.. I used to talk to him alot when they all lived together, and I just so happened to sign on to msn.. He sent his condolences to me.. And I asked him what he was talking about... He told me the news then immediately signed off the internet.. Just as Sparkle has said, I have had problems with the internet, but now I tend to get on here more frequently.. I know I talked to him shortly after he got out of the hospital from getting hit by a car.. He called me on the phone I believe the day after being released.. He said he was happy, and doing wonderful.. He sounded good too.. I am guessing that is why it was such a shock to hear about his death.. I tried to find your number to call you, but for some reason, I was unable to find it.. I have had a hard time with his death because of how close we were.. He had told me how he had a new gf and I remember him telling me he wanted to go visit her, but stop here on the way.. I don't get onto yahoo or msn much anymore.. I get on there to see if there is any offline messages then jump back off.. I haven't deleted any messages we wrote back and forth and I can't pull myself to delete his names off of my lists.. After talking to you last spring, he told me I was acting like you because I kept asking him if he was taking his insulin.. He seemed unable to realize that people actually cared about him.. I miss him dearly, but I know that he is up there in the sky with my youngest child.. I know that he is watching everyone and probably yelling at us to do better..

If you would like to talk to me, I will give you my email address..


Tonna


(edited) I also had chars with his.. Loren was engaged to one of my chars.. she finally found land, and his body is still on the boat with his.. She is still mourning his death..

[SekoETC]

Dee... stop it. If Ryan's mom understands my initial scepticism then you should forgive it as well. Questioning things did bring up some details that make this thing easier to grasp for people who didn't know him. I'm not happy about it but it had to be done, by someone.

[Sparkle]

I will ask Ryan's roommate about the car incident, Sharon. I know nothing about it.

Ryan (8/6/2005 3:14:12 PM): hey... how goes it?
spicyray81882 (8/6/2005 3:14:18 PM): Hiii!!!
spicyray81882 (8/6/2005 3:14:37 PM): Everything is ok I guess...just so different with you not around...
Ryan (8/6/2005 3:14:52 PM): what you mean? talking about kerry?
spicyray81882 (8/6/2005 3:15:04 PM): *nods*
spicyray81882 (8/6/2005 3:15:06 PM): Yeah...
spicyray81882 (8/6/2005 3:15:10 PM): So what's been up with you?
Ryan (8/6/2005 3:15:25 PM): well... hit by car, for starters.... lmao
Ryan (8/6/2005 3:15:49 PM): wasn't fun
spicyray81882 (8/6/2005 3:15:50 PM): What!!?
spicyray81882 (8/6/2005 3:15:55 PM): Are you alright!!?
Ryan (8/6/2005 3:15:58 PM): yea.... someone ran a red light
Ryan (8/6/2005 3:16:03 PM): i'm fine now
spicyray81882 (8/6/2005 3:16:09 PM): Idiot! I would have kicked his a**!
Ryan (8/6/2005 3:16:15 PM): little stiff
Ryan (8/6/2005 3:16:26 PM): i'd rather sue, than risk any more injury
Ryan (8/6/2005 3:16:41 PM): i was k/o'd instantly, and was out for 3 days
Ryan (8/6/2005 3:17:08 PM): but..... i'm fine
Ryan (8/6/2005 3:17:19 PM): except my arm....
spicyray81882 (8/6/2005 3:17:20 PM): What!!!????
spicyray81882 (8/6/2005 3:17:23 PM): That is not fine!
spicyray81882 (8/6/2005 3:17:36 PM): It knocked you out for 3 f***ing days!!
spicyray81882 (8/6/2005 3:17:47 PM): Damn...I'm just happy to hear you weren't seriously hurt.
Ryan (8/6/2005 3:17:47 PM): uh huh...
spicyray81882 (8/6/2005 3:18:01 PM): There was like a 14 car accident the other day and one guy died.
Ryan (8/6/2005 3:18:03 PM): scratches, scrapes, and bruises mostly
Ryan (8/6/2005 3:18:22 PM): but my arm..... first fracture in my life...
spicyray81882 (8/6/2005 3:18:49 PM): Damn...I bet.
Ryan (8/6/2005 3:22:27 PM): it's hard to type now, cuz my left hand wants to type faster than my right
spicyray81882 (8/6/2005 3:22:38 PM): Awww...that is bad.
Ryan (8/6/2005 3:22:43 PM): i have to read over what i'm typing to make sure it's what i want to say
spicyray81882 (8/6/2005 3:22:59 PM): That is a shame... Poor dear.
Ryan (8/6/2005 3:30:36 PM): yea well.... wounds heal
spicyray81882 (8/6/2005 3:30:54 PM): They better.
Ryan (8/6/2005 3:32:31 PM): eh... i told you already... i'm fine
spicyray81882 (8/6/2005 3:33:03 PM): So you say...
Ryan (8/6/2005 3:33:59 PM): i do..... let's change the subject now..... how's seatown? other than the loneliness factor...

Sorry about the language Mom.

He WAS hospitalized every 4-6 weeks, one time for just over 3 weeks, when he had the liver problems. I think that was in...July? They get all muddled up in my head, there were so many times.

Yes, it was July. He never liked talking about stuff like that.

spicyray81882 (7/22/2005 6:32:31 PM): OMG!!
spicyray81882 (7/22/2005 6:32:33 PM): HI!!!
spicyray81882 (7/22/2005 6:32:41 PM): What happened to you!!!?
Ryan (7/22/2005 6:32:43 PM): hey
Ryan (7/22/2005 6:32:51 PM): net d/c
Ryan (7/22/2005 6:33:00 PM): then 2 1/2 wks in hosp
spicyray81882 (7/22/2005 6:33:23 PM): Awww....
spicyray81882 (7/22/2005 6:33:26 PM): Are you ok?

[mikki]

I remember those type of conversations.. If you would like, I could show you some of our old conversations.. He always talked about his sister.. How he adored her..

[Ryan's Mum]

On June 28th of 2005, Ryan's roommate called me to say that Ryan had been taken to Hospital by ambulance because he went into convulsions. The 3 of them were moving out by the 30th, so Ryan would not be there to move his things. On top of that, he had not yet found a place to live, so they needed me to pack his stuff and take it away (They were all going their separate ways, and the other 2 were already on their way out of town). Anyway, he ended up hospitalized for 3 weeks with an inflamed liver, and on serious antibiotics.

This was about 3-4 weeks after the last time I talked to Tonna... their phone had been disconnected because the roommie whose name it was in had moved out unexpectedly, and she called me to make sure all was OK.

The 3 days in Hospital for a broken arm, I know nothing about it. If it were true, I would think he would have asked me to help him make a claim against the driver's insurance. The roommate he had at that time, Dale, is a paranoid manipulator. Dale may have convinced Ryan to not bother filing a claim, because Dale is a cynical pr*ck who is always right. Anyway, If this auto incident actually happened, nobody told me.

Late in August, Ryan was escorted to Hospital involuntarily, finally deemed a danger to himself. By the time I learned of it a week later, he was discharged 2 days after I found out. I did not see him, and nobody told me where he was going to live after leaving the Hospital. The roommate refused to return my calls, and refused to answer the door when I went to the house. I did not see Ryan at all between my birthday (July 28, and he was not injured) and his birthday (Oct 31). He did not contact his sister on her birthday in August.

Ryan spent several days with my parents in November. I just now called my father, and asked him if he knew anything about a broken arm, and he replied, "It's likely just an excuse he made for being in the hospital again". We are pretty sure he would have mentioned something like being hit by a car. But, one of the things I told Ryan last spring was the story of the boy who cried wolf; One day there would be a legitimate crisis and none of his family or friends would respond because we were too emotionally drained from his repeated hospitalizations. So, really, I have no way of knowing unless someone who actually SAW his injuries tells me so. I have sent an email to Dale's current roommate, asking for more info. I'll let you know what I find out.

This may seem really trivial and silly to be concerned about, so please understand that I am just trying to find out what his life was like those last few months. And remember what SekoETC said: you can't believe everyting you read on the Internet. All I am sure Ryan was always honest about was his age (20) and location (BC, Canada).

Mum aka Karen

[Ryan's Mum]

Oh, and thanks again for your feedback and continued responses and concern. I appreciate your sharing the IMs, Sparkle. I can't bring myself to remove Ryan's name & addresses from my contacts list...

Mum aka Karen

[Sparkle]

My pleasure Ma'am. Doing anything I can to help.

[SierraBreez]

I would have posted a reply sooner, but i have had a very hard time dealing with this so I needed some time first.

I got some convo pieces for you that i was reminded to look up by the posts.

tbrncrzr (7/30/2005 2:12:46 PM): hey you.... just wanted to let you know that i'm still alive.... my cantr account idled out (if you hadn't figured it out already)... but i've got another one... i'll ttyl..


tbrncrzr (8/6/2005 10:10:43 PM): erm... i didn't get that...
sierra_breez (8/6/2005 10:10:57 PM): aw man
tbrncrzr (8/6/2005 10:11:01 PM): yea... was in hosp... diff reason tho... hit by car
sierra_breez (8/6/2005 10:11:36 PM): were you walking when hit?
tbrncrzr (8/6/2005 10:11:44 PM): in a crosswalk
tbrncrzr (8/6/2005 10:11:49 PM): at a red light
tbrncrzr (8/6/2005 10:13:09 PM): kinda painful when i woke up 3 days later
sierra_breez (8/6/2005 10:13:49 PM): u didn't wake up till 3 days later?
sierra_breez (8/6/2005 10:13:54 PM): were u in a coma?
tbrncrzr (8/6/2005 10:14:29 PM): erm..... sorta.... closer to unconscious than comatose
tbrncrzr (8/6/2005 10:15:04 PM): they got physical reactions out of me when the did the "squeeze my hand" and "wiggle ur toes" tests
sierra_breez (8/6/2005 10:15:08 PM): wow, concusion?
sierra_breez (8/6/2005 10:15:22 PM): oh yes cause it's nerves andstuff yeah, i remember those tests
tbrncrzr (8/6/2005 10:15:23 PM): amazingly no
tbrncrzr (8/6/2005 10:15:38 PM): just a wicked headache for 8 hrs
sierra_breez (8/6/2005 10:15:47 PM): was the person drunk who hit you?
sierra_breez (8/6/2005 10:16:00 PM): all the damage u got was a headache and maybe bruises?
tbrncrzr (8/6/2005 10:16:08 PM): at 11 in the morning? i doubt it.... but i'll never find out.... hit n run
tbrncrzr (8/6/2005 10:16:22 PM): hairline in my arm

miscellaneous talk

tbrncrzr (8/6/2005 10:55:24 PM): pfft... i get hit by a car, and i lose 2 cities, a bakery, and numerous businesses
tbrncrzr (8/6/2005 10:55:34 PM): along with 15 chars

sierra_breez (10/26/2005 3:34:59 PM): u still alive? i'm hardly ever on anymore so i don't get to see if you come on. miss ya
tbrncrzr (10/26/2005 6:42:27 PM): yea... i'm alive.... but i'm hardly on anymore either.... i'm back at school...

Sharon

[Ryan's Mum]

Ryan's name is being added to a marble memorial wall which is sponsored by The Compassionate Friends, a world-wide support service for grieving parents.

The new names ceremony is being held this year on May 13th -- the day before Mother's Day -- at 4 pm, at Kelowna Memorial Park Cemetery located at 1991 Bernard Avenue east of Spall Road.

This is a public event, and any who wish to remember Ryan, or any lost child or sibling, are more than welcome to attend.

The date of the ceremony will mark 5 months plus a day since Ryan's death; 152 days in total. It is also a full moon, which I find worth mentioning, as it was a full moon the day he was born.

I want to thank again all who have posted here. I found what I was looking for by coming here: friends of Ryan's who did not know he was gone who could tell me things about my son I would not have otherwise known. If you are ever in Kelowna, please go to the Brevity Garden and look for his name. He is engraved as Ryan Thomas Gibbs Haddrell.

Karen

[mikki]

I haven't posted since the last time here in this topic.. I think about him and my own son that passed away all the time.. I miss them both dearly... I hope that you are doing well, and you are in my prayers...

Tonna