Cantr Story Teaser

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rklenseth
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Cantr Story Teaser

Postby rklenseth » Sat Aug 20, 2005 10:21 pm

Here is a small sample teaser of what I've been writing in my Cantr Story. It will be about Ladvicitavoi starting with Alexi Romanov and going on from there. Tell me what you guys think. I'm not sure if I'm any good at writing so I can really use some critical responses here at what I can do better.

Also don't point out all the spelling and grammar errors. I know they are there. This is still only in rough draft form. Thanks, guys! :D

Chapter I

Alexi Romanov stared down the shaft of his arrow to the broadhead that he aimed steadily at the deer just ahead of him. The deer kept picking at the ground looking for something to chew on unknowingly that it would soon be the meal of another.
Alexi's arm began to shake. He had been a hunter since he was ten years old and his aim was true and merciless. But today it seemed he couldn't find his aim. Something was bothering him. Recently hunters have gone off into the forest and never returned. They weren't simple, novice young boys gone off and gotten lost but expert trackers. Men and women who have lived in the forest for decades providing for their people in Ladvicitavoi.
Pain began to shoot up Alexi's arms. The muscles in his back began to waver and now his arm was holding back most of the poundage of the bow. His blood began to pump faster and a loud drumming filled his ears. His arm wouldn't stay steady enough but he now had the right spot.
Slowly, Alexi began to tense up his back muscles and his arm slowly drew back. His fingers relaxed and the bowstring inched away from the tips of his fingers. The deer had suddenly gone stiff with fear. Perhaps its natural instincts heard Alexi's heart pounding or it could feel that something was amiss. The bowstring continued to inch more and more toward the tips of his fingers. His arm stopped shaking and the pain was gone. The bowstring was now on the tips of his finger. Any moment now and the bowstring will be released. Any moment. His aim was still true. The deer, even though it had sensed something, knew not enough to run. Knew not enough to give in to its fear. Any moment.
And then the twang of the bowstring and the swoosh of the arrow and a crashing of a heavy weight among the leaves and branches that littered the forest floor. And there was Alexi. Still standing as exactly as he should. Perfectly still. The deer was dead.
Alexi dropped his arms and looked at the deer. It was perfectly still, perfectly dead. It did not suffer. Only a brief bit of pain and then darkness. Alexi unsheathed a steel knife and walked over to his kill. The arrow protruded from the side of the deer where it pierced both lungs.
The deer was only a doe and from the looks it had been starving for a number of weeks. Mostly skin and bone, Alexi looked at it disgustingly. Something was wrong in the forest. The animals were more and more scarce and the ones they did find were not enough to feed the settlement.
Alexi dropped down to his knees and pulled the edge of his knife across the bowels of the dead doe. The hide parted and a stink rushed up Alexi's nostrils. With his hands he began to pull out the guts throwing them to the side in a pile by a large tree. He would later scavenge what was valuable of the guts but right now he needed to eat.
For several days, Alexi had been without food. He could have easily found something small to gnaw on but tracking deer didn't allow someone the time or luxury to do this.
Alexi pulled out a rib of meat and placed it to the side. He gathered together some dead grass and small pieces of branches. Placing them in a pile, Alexi began striking a bar of flint, which he had pulled out of a pouch on his belt, against his steel knife. Sparks sprayed about and it was enough to start a small ember which Alexi blew into a flame.
Soon enough, a small fire was burning away with Alexi hovering over it turning the rib of meat he had pulled out of the doe. As the meat cooked, he pulled off pieces of it and shoved it into his mouth. The hunger inside him filled his stomach with a pain and now with the smell of cooking meat he could no longer stand it. Some of the meat was raw and he knew he would later pay for it but only now mattered.
Alexi leaned against a tree. His stomach had its fill and now weariness started to take over. His eyes began to flutter. The lids became heavier and it became unbearable to keep them open. The fire began to die and the sky began to darken to dusk.
Home could wait for tomorrow, thought Alexi. Ladvicitavoi was only a half a day journey from where he now laid. It wouldn't be too long before he would see the great stone wall of the city he grew up in.
Suddenly, something caught his eye. A shadow flirting across the dying flames. In a flash, he was up on his feet. His knife found its way into his hand and its steel glimmered in the flames. The fire was blinding him and with a sound kick the fire and the white hot coals were knocked away. Now darkness enveloped him.
Alexi hunched forward. Ready to spring at whatever was in the forest. It might have been a wild cat. They were dangerous and sleek and unafraid to attack an unaware hunter. Usually they would run away as soon as the hunter was alert to its presence but something told Alexi, perhaps an instinct, that he wasn't alone.
From the corner of his eye he saw a shadow and then a familiar twang. Alexi ducked just in time as an arrow flew past overhead. On gut instinct, Alexi threw the knife he had been holding in his hand at the shadow just a few yards away. All he heard was the clatter of the steel against a tree.
Now unarmed and holding the ground, Alexi knew he was in trouble. His bow was unstrung and useless. Trying to string it would only make him more of a target for his attacker who lurked nearby. Now he only hoped that in the frenzy of the attack that his assailent had lost him in the darkness.
Alexi grabbed a rocked. He now listened. Not a twig snapped or a leaf rustled. Dead silence. The pounding of his heart began drumming in his ear. The darkness was overwhelming. An instinct made him feel that something was closing in on him. Fear made his limbs go numb and even though brain screamed for him to run, he could not.
A cold blade pressed against his kneck. He could feel drops of blood begin to glide down his throat as a sharp pain made him gasp for breath.
"Don't move," came a voice from the darkness. From the corner of his eye, Alexi could see a shadow floating above him. Now he could feel the hot breath of a man against his cheek. Alexi tightened his grip on the rock in hand. He knew he would only have one chance at this. Knew this would be his only hope of getting out alive. One mistake and his blood would mingle with doe's on the leaves and dirt.
Alexi sprung up to the surprise of his attacker and swung the rock at the man's head. The rock connected to skull and a sickening, crunching of bone could be heard. The shadow fell to the ground lifeless. The man must be dead. No one could have survived a blow like that.
rklenseth
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Postby rklenseth » Sun Aug 21, 2005 3:32 am

No comments. Is it that bad? :? :(

Oh, well. I was never much of a writer anyways.
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colonel
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Postby colonel » Sun Aug 21, 2005 4:13 am

Wow, that is sweet. Very well done.
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Postby nitefyre » Sun Aug 21, 2005 6:23 am

I liked the story, though if I were Alexi, I'd use that steel deer skinning knife. ;)

Also the style of writing is somewhat unique (the abrupt and short sentences), helping to build up the suspense.
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Postby Evelyn » Sun Aug 21, 2005 7:01 am

wow
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Postby Augery » Sun Aug 21, 2005 8:12 am

Well done
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Postby Tensei » Sun Aug 21, 2005 11:11 am

Ok first I'd like to state that I am no writter and any opionon expressed in the following is just exactly that, an opinion =)

Firstly, like nitefrye said short and ubrupt. Good for suspense, bad for creating imagery. What I would think you would want to do is use longer more detailed sentances when talking about scenary so that the reader will naturally imagine it as a stream of information like a movie instead of small bursts. This will make them invision the surroundings, and with the action sequences you want to go short and choppy. Like for example..

Instead of :
The night air was still. The crackle of the fire warmned his face and eased his mind. The tree's were tall and wide surrounding his makeshift camp. In them he felt a sense of comfort and belonging.

You would write it like:
In the still night air the crackle of the fire helped ease his mind of troubles as the flame warmed his face. The tall, wide trees surrounding his makeshift camp created a sense of comfort and belonging.

*scene is set, it's in there minds no more discription needed, time for action. You want them to fly through the next few sentances at an alarming rate, get ready!!!*

His heart stops. his every motion is frozen, waiting to hear the noise again. He slows his breathing, his ears burning in the silence. doubt creeps over him. It was only his imagination teasing him.

The imagery sequence was two sentances long, the action was 5 and actually said less. You want to get the reader comfortable with long descriptive easy to understand language, then right when they feel they could read for hours, your stop. That peaks there intrest, why did he stop, what happened, I have to read the next sentance! You rush over the next sentance to find it even shorter with less discription. now you get excited. What this does is make the reader pursue the action while still able to keep the world you just wrote about in his head.

Another quick suggestion then I'll shut up. Make sure you experiance everything through a character. This does two important things, builds the readers knowledge/relationship with the character, as well as keeps them in the world you just wrote about. For example

His eyes began to flutter. The lids became heavier and it became unbearable to keep them open. The fire began to die and the sky began to darken to dusk.


This could have been written more like...

As he sat in <screnary here> his eyes begin to flutter, eyelids becomming heavier, almost unbearable to keep open. The vision of the fire dieing and the sky beginning to darken would soon be lost.

What is differn't is two main points. In yours, you had his eyes, then his lids, then the fire, then the sky all become characters. You never want to say, The lids did blah blah. In my rewrite I took him then let the reader know all the stuff was happening to him. His eyelids didn't do something independantly.

Second thing is use the same tense throughout the story. You are talking about things that are suppose to be happening to him in the story right now as if they happened five minutes ago and your recapping. He BEGINS to do something. Saying BEGAN is like saying, "yesterday, I told my dog he was fat. When he started yelling I began to explain that I meant PHAT."

Just some thoughts of how I like to read things. Look at the few first paragraphs, you did a GREAT job with the bow and how he held it and how it made him feel, all things that kept relating back to the guy you are talking about. But when you start talking about the sceanry you lose the main character. Keep him in it!.
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Postby ephiroll » Sun Aug 21, 2005 5:27 pm

Tensei wrote:
Instead of :
The night air was still. The crackle of the fire warmned his face and eased his mind. The tree's were tall and wide surrounding his makeshift camp. In them he felt a sense of comfort and belonging.

You would write it like:
In the still night air the crackle of the fire helped ease his mind of troubles as the flame warmed his face. The tall, wide trees surrounding his makeshift camp created a sense of comfort and belonging.



Actually, the first way is more correct. When you write, the first thing you have to remember is to "show" not "tell". The first way shows, the second way tells.


@Richard: Looks real nice so far, not bad. Do you have a copy of William and Strucks "Elements of Style"? If not you should pick one up just because anyone who writes should have a copy. Technically, the only thing it looks like you could use some work on is building a more complex sentence structure. Alot of those short sentences could be combined to cut down on the word count and clarity.
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Postby west » Sun Aug 21, 2005 6:11 pm

It's Strunk and White's, and yes, it's essential.
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creepyguyinblack
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Postby creepyguyinblack » Sun Aug 21, 2005 6:29 pm

Good writing, but I don't think meat or hunting existed then. For a very long period, all cantrians were vegetarians, until fish came along as a gatherable resource.
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Re: Cantr Story Teaser

Postby SekoETC » Sun Aug 21, 2005 7:47 pm

Serenity wrote:He had been a hunter since he was ten years old and his aim was true and merciless.


Cantrians are spawned at the age of twenty, no childhood history is allowed and skills were not implemented at that time. And gah, I can't believe it's me saying this, please ignore! Hold on to your artistic liberties.
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Báng
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Postby Báng » Sun Aug 21, 2005 7:55 pm

Thats some nice story telling there! I always pictured a Cantrian story in a 'Lost' stylé, with many lead characters, all with their own little stories, yet all interacting in one big story. Each city has its own version of the story ofcourse.

I'd really like to see more of this interesting reading!
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rklenseth
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Postby rklenseth » Sun Aug 21, 2005 9:50 pm

Thanks, guys. Remember, this is only a first draft. I find it easier to write all the action and everything in short sentences first and then edit it later and add more description.

Also, I am definitely taking artistic liberties with this. So don't expect everything to follow strictly to Cantr history or Cantr gameplay at that time. It is based off the history, characters, and places.
:wink:
I would definitely like to do something like that, Bang, but i'm going to start off small with Ladvicitavoi and to a smaller extent to Naron since that is the origins of the Alexian Empire. Later, as the Empire gains more influence, the story will concern more areas and people. :wink:
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Báng
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Postby Báng » Sun Aug 21, 2005 9:55 pm

Cool...sounds good Rich! Keep us posting with your writing anyway! And once you've the first draft written up and printed out...get a signature on it and send it to me!

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Postby black knight » Mon Aug 22, 2005 10:36 am

W-o-W
i like the abrupt and short sentences, they were fully capable of generating a flowing set of events in my mind.
its marvellous... :D

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