A few jokes to pass thee time

[Blackdeath]

Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle and drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away. Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle and drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks away quickly.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely that anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Bob. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle and drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "No way, Buddy!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

The madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides, she sees it as a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Bob and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink, and then she sits in his lap.

Bob leans forward and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Canadian currency?"
-------------------------------------
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young mothers and their small children... "You all have
obsessions", he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he says, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter, Candy."

He turns to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce, "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

The fourth mother, "Elaine's obsession is obvious", he said, "You are obsessed with the beach, you named your child, Sandy."

At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy gets up, grabs her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

[Blackdeath]

BD has brougth seconds:

How to Impress a Woman:

Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Encourage her,
Believe in her,
Pray with her,
Pray for her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the ends of the earth and back for her.


How to Impress a Man:

Show up naked,
Bring food,
Don't block the TV
--------------------------

10 things to never say to a woman while arguing:


10. Don't you have some laundry to do or something?

9. Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off.

8. You're just upset because your butt is beginning to spread.

7. Wait a minute..I get it. What time of the month is it?

6. You're sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?

5. Sorry...I was just picturing you naked.

4. Whoa, time out! Football is on.

3. Looks like someone had an extra bowl of bitch flakes this morning.

2. Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?

And the number one thing you should NEVER say to a woman during an argument:

WHO ARE YOU KIDDING? WE BOTH KNOW THAT THING AIN'T LOADED!

[Cookie]

I could post a few, but then I might get a few unwanted messages from the PC brigade.

[Revanael]

If anyone takes offence at any jokes posted, PM me and they'll be removed immediately.

Otherwise, nothing too dirty. This is a family-friendly forum, remember.

[Blackdeath]

hehe, sorry bout that. I don't really know the age groups here, but if they're are any complaitns I'll remove them

[Nixit]

Very funny. I liked them.

[TatteredShoeLace]

Whats a brothel?

[Nixit]

You asked this earlier, didn't you?

[nitefyre]

Yes.

I think he's trying to kill it.

[Nixit]

Yep. Or to try to get someone to say it straight out.

[AngelSpice]

I'll just say what my parents always told me: "Look it up."

[Revanael]

www.dictionary.com or www.google.co.uk tend to be good choices. Possibly not google, though, for this one.

[Nixit]

I'll just say what my parents always told me: "Look it up."

Yeah, I know what you mean.

[mortaine]

I was, clearly, raised differently from the rest of you people.

--mortaine (whose parents took her to see <i>Best Little Whorehouse in Texas</i> when she was, what, 9 years old?)

[Nixit]

Oh dear. Oh dearie me.