Thought or Rant of the day!!!

[masterekat]

Yeah, you're probably right. I've got this bad habit of always thinking things are going to turn out better than they actually do. They'll probably turn out just as miserable as me and my parents are and there's nothing I can do to stop it. Genetics and such. Ah, well. Such is life.

[Snickie]

Don't worry. "Why" will become their second-favorite word, only behind the extremely popular "mine!".

[MelloYell]

prezi.com

AWESOME.

[masterekat]

Errr….I know I've already used up my rant of the day twice now and talked entirely too much on that last one, but I gotta say this one other thing because I honestly don't know where else I can say it and if I don't, I think I'm just going to ignore it again and it'll continue to become a bigger problem for me. I really don't even expect anyone to read it since it's so long. I'm sort of mainly doing this for myself so that this doesn't just stay a thought inside my own head. So I'll make it really tiny to take up less room and then those who care or are bored enough can look. And I'll say this and then shut up for a good while and quit dominating the rant thread, which I'm sure is something most of you will be thrilled about.

Anyway, today I started looking up possibilities of what could have caused that migraine this morning. Red wine was one of those possibilities which is one of those simple pleasures I'm now going to have to give up because I had been drinking that this weekend and I finished the rest off Monday night and last night. But I have a feeling that, if anything, it stemmed more from the stress/anxiety spectrum of things. That's something I've been dealing with in many other ways for longer than I'd like to remember. When I was about 14, I got stomach spasms so bad that my parents finally took me to the doctor because they thought there was actually something wrong with me. Turns out I was perfectly fine physically; the doctor said that the spasms were simply a result of anxiety - junior high was rough on people sometimes. She game me a prescription and told me to try it, and if that still didn't make things easier to deal with, it'd probably be a good idea to talk to someone more specialized. Of course my dad thought she was full of it and promptly tore the prescription up as soon as we walked out the door. But that was just the first sign for me personally that maybe this isn't something I can just ignore until it goes away. There were other things too. How difficult it is for me to make eye contact. How my hands and voice shake if I have to talk in front of a group or to someone I'm not really familiar with. How I go over things over and over in my head just so I can figure out how to get them out of my mouth so that the other person can understand what I'm saying (because most of the time they just don't). I'm so avoidant of social interaction that I can't even go to work in the morning without getting a tension headache and feeling like my stomach is going to explode inside of me. And its not even really that I don't want to be social. I do. I don't want to be that person that sits at home all of the time playing Cantr(as much as I do like Cantr) because I'm too scared to go out and do things in real life. I want to be able to have meaningful relationships with people I know in real life. I want to get my master's degree, maybe even my doctorate someday, and most importantly I want to be able to have a job where I can help people. That's why I majored in psychology. But lately anxiety is getting in the way of just about everything in my life. It's everything I can do to muster up the nerve to get through all the interactions I have to have at work before I come home exhausted and sit in a quiet room alone. Forget about interactions that I -choose- to have. I go out maybe once every one or two months to see my college friends that I've known for a few years who I'm already comfortable with being around. I either lost touch with anyone I knew before that because I'm horrible about staying in contact (having a rough time relating to people can put quite the damper on that), or some of them I apparently pissed off so bad that they stopped wanting to have anything to do with me. I'm sure that not being able to do any of the things I want to do, feeling like it'll be impossible to achieve any of the goals I want to be able to have for myself is making me depressed, which just makes everything worse. And apparently I've been dragging people down now too. That's what my fiance said. Probably would be best if I tried to do something before I chase anyone else off. And now, well, if it's going to be this bad to the point where I'll continue to get migraines that bad, that's the final straw.


So when I was listening to Dredg's Bug Eyes a little while ago, it inspired me to finally do something. It's a beautiful song and the lyrics are pretty fitting, I think. I've gone long enough pretending everything is fine because everyone else tells me I'm fine, that I'm just shy, that I just worry too much, but then as soon as I bring up the fact that maybe, just maybe, I need help dealing with those things, that I've already tried fixing those things on my own for years, they suddenly flip flop on me and tell me that's not necessary, that I'm fine, just the same as everyone else. I'm sorry, people who think I'm fine. I guess I'm just not that perfect person you always thought I was. And I'm feeling anything but fine.

Ah, well. -I- can see there's clearly something not right even if no one else does. So I figure I at least owe it to myself to try and help myself. I've got insurance now that will cover most of that sort of thing, so I don't have any excuses anymore. And if those people don't want any thing to do with me if I'm not happy, cheerful Erica who loves her life, then I guess I don't have to tell them about it, do I. I've gotten pretty good at hiding things. What's one more?

Now actually forcing myself to call someone to make an appointment and then go talk to someone I've never met is terrifying. But I'm going to make myself do it. It has to be better than the alternative: continuing to hate myself for years and years until one day I wake up and I'm forty, still struggling with the same issues and realizing that I never even went for the life I wanted for myself. I don't want to have to live with that. There's just not enough time.

Hmm, well rant/thought finished I guess...sorry to get so personal, but like I said, the people who claim to be closest to me just don't want to hear it and I refuse to give up on myself. I had to do something -today- about this. I've wasted too much time already.

[Comy]

Yeah, you're probably right. I've got this bad habit of always thinking things are going to turn out better than they actually do. They'll probably turn out just as miserable as me and my parents are and there's nothing I can do to stop it. Genetics and such. Ah, well. Such is life.

It probably won't turn out quite the way you want it to, but it's definitely possible to manage some of those things. When we were kids, my mom always gave us an explanation when she said no and was generally very patient. It probably changed when we came down to Texas to live with her because my younger sibling turned into an absolute monster, but it worked before then. It possibly could have continued to work if our father hadn't had us for the intervening years, but the not-so-little-thug was always a bit of a handful.

Thought: the brownies I made the other day came out pretty good, though the boyfriend wasn't a fan (especially after I told him they were made with black beans), but I tried a new recipe tonight and I'm not a fan. I think I need to just stop trying to conquer chocolate brownies with my unreliable oven and stick with the awesome peanut butter ones. Then again, the black bean brownies were way better the second day, so I'll hold off on final judgement until I try to stuff them in someone else's face tomorrow.

[Henkie]

Materekat... Do you have skype? because you remind me of a good friend I once had, and is now a social predator.. If you accept it, maybe I can help?

[Miri]

This is what I saw while logging in to DC today morning:

seriously, just seriously...

[gejyspa]

http://www.ted.com/talks/deb_roy_the_birth_of_a_word.html

This video is incredible both scary and beautiful... Take a moment watch it share...

I was all prepared to say, "Oh, we don't believe in natural word birth. We prefer words to be born while we're doped up in the hospital"* But then I saw the video and ... wow! Just... wow!

*(not true when it comes to babies. All but our first were born in freestanding brith center with no drugs)

[gejyspa]

RoTD on the Baltimore Grnad Prix: Hey, Baltimore! Before you go spending our $$$ and disrupting our lives for months for an event that's supposed to bring in $$$$$, MAKE SURE IT'S WITH A COMPANY THAT'S SOLVENT! Baltimore Racing Development owes $12M, mostly to the city and state government, but only has about $100K in assets.

TotD : both me and my 14yo were cast for the next community theater performance, "Lost in Yonkers" (also, my 11yo asked to be, and became, assistant stage manager).

Oh, and masterekat? My first thought upon reading your rant was "spoken like someone who has never had kids...."

[Snickie]

This is what I saw while logging in to DC today morning:

seriously, just seriously...

:lol

[Sunni Daez]

My thought for the day..

Why is it people feel the need to dictate how someone else should live their life, when their own is such a %$#%%@ up mess? This is not a good day... it is a 'cry' day.

[MelloYell]

prezi.com

AWESOME.

made a typo when i first posted this. makes me wonder what came up for those that might have typed in my mistake....and makes me wonder how far gone everyone thought my mind was.

[masterekat]

Keeping your own kids calm is really that much harder than keeping other people's kids calm?

[Snickie]

Keeping your own kids calm is really that much harder than keeping other people's kids calm?

The difference between your kids and other peoples' kids is that when you start getting annoyed by other peoples' kids, you can just hand them back to their parents and let them deal. When you start getting annoyed at your kids, you're the parent and you have to deal with it.

[Doug R.]

Keeping your own kids calm is really that much harder than keeping other people's kids calm?

The difference between your kids and other peoples' kids is that when you start getting annoyed by other peoples' kids, you can just hand them back to their parents and let them deal. When you start getting annoyed at your kids, you're the parent and you have to deal with it.

Also, kids respond better to strangers in authority than their own parents. My child will let the doctor tear a splinter out of their finger, but not me. They know what your boundaries are, but they don't know a stranger's boundaries, and that unknown typically gains their compliance.