Thought or Rant of the day!!!

[Gran]

Nice family stories.

Anyway, SL code was registered under free license. I don't know really why, but it's good against whiners. Like...

User:"SL suks! I maek no moneh!"
Admin:"Then quit bitching and do your own world, bitch!"

... I felt so UD now.

[SekoETC]

I'd really be interested in how the people in your therapy group (or whatever it is) are trying to help you, Seko, and if you noticed any improvements so far.

I've made loads of improvement during the recent years. I've gone through different types of therapy but it's mostly just discussing things that are on my mind and having someone listening to me and understanding me.

My history:

In elementary school I was bullied and someone (probably the school nurse) asked if I'd like to talk to a psychologist. I said yes, but this psychologist only visited the school once a month or so. We talked for an hour a couple of times and I showed her a "book" I had written (it was pretty tiny but it meant a lot to me). I can't remember much of those meetings.

In junior high I talked to a counselor regularly but that didn't help much.

In upper secondary school the school nurse noticed I was pretty depressed and I managed to get an appointment to a psychiatric nurse. I started seeing this nurse weekly and when she went on maternity leave, I got another one. I was just talking about all the stuff that bothers me. We also started having family meetings every 6 weeks or so. There was also a psychologist present. One time she asked us if we'd ever considered I might have Asperger syndrome and we had actually thought about it. When I was a toddler, my mom had heard about Autism and she noticed I had some of those symptoms. Back then no one really knew what Asperger syndrome was. It started getting more publicity in the nineties. My brother had a classmate who had been diagnosed with Asperger's and my brother also said that in some ways the guy was just like me. Anyway, I got scheduled for a psychologist appointment for some testing, looking at ink spots and such. The results were that I have a wild imagination and I might not be completely in touch with reality but that the symptoms are "more in line with an organic anomaly than outright psychosis" ie my brain is wired a bit funny. The diagnosis was juvenile anxiety disorder. I was also put in queue for testing for Asperger's but for some reason someone took me off the queue. I've been thinking it was because we went to see this doctor who had never met me before, and he didn't ask questions about my childhood history (at least as far as I can remember) even though that's elemental in assessing adults for Asperger syndrome since people often learn out of some quirks and without knowing the person's history, a doctor cannot know all the difficulties there have been in the past. For nearly half an hour I was showing him my web site. Then he said "I doubt this kid has Asperger syndrome". As if you could tell after talking to someone for half an hour. Several people who've known me longer have noticed the symptoms.

When I went to art school I was still meeting with a nurse but it had to be either Monday morning or Friday afternoon because I was studying in another town and it took three hours to travel by bus. Then I moved back to Kotka and could go back to meeting her weekly, but I got too old for youth psychiatry so my mom searched me a psychotherapist on the private sector. Health insurance is covering most of the costs but it's limited to three years. Recently there was hope that I might be getting a fourth year because my situation seems to require it, but now it turned out that it's not possible after all. So tomorrow apparently might be my last appointment unless I start paying the full price myself and it's damn expensive. My mom was ready to pay for one appointment a month if necessary but I sure wouldn't want them to be forced to cut down on food because of that!

Also I've had several support persons. The first one was found soon after I got out of hospital (I was hospitalized for 6 weeks when I was 18, due to a personal crisis). This first one was a totally wonderful person. The only time she ever had to reschedule an appointment was when she broke her tailbone, and the next week or so she was already back to work even though she had to take painkillers. We went to coffee shops and once swimming and once to a place with horses and I got to ride some. Then I started art school in another town and they had to find me a new support person who lived closer to my new location. Things didn't work out with this new person. We weren't quite getting along, we just went for coffee or to buy groceries and nothing special. One time we went to library and I asked her do you think I could get a library card here because I was officially registered to be living in Kotka. She said she doesn't think so. But I went to the counter and asked the library lady anyway, and she said well of course you can get a card. The good thing about having an incompetent support person was that I realized if I really want to get something done, I'll just have to do it myself. This support person used to call me to schedule the next appointment, because she was a nurse without a steady job and might be called to work with short notice. Then one time she didn't call me at all. I was in touch with my previous support person and she contacted the organization that they work for, and they tried to contact this person, left her messages but she didn't call them back. She had practically vanished without an explanation. They said it was unforgivable behavior.

Then I moved back to Kotka and soon when I got too old for youth psychiatry then I had to establish a relationship with a doctor from adult mental health care, since I had some medication at the time and also needed someone to write statements so that I could get funding for my therapy. And the doctor cannot write statements for me if she has no information about me, so I had to meet regularly with someone she's in touch with. It didn't seem reasonable that I'd just go to someone's office weekly to talk about how I'm feeling because I was already doing that with my psychotherapist, so I got something called home rehabilitation, which means a worker would either come to my place or I'd go see him or her and we could go out and do practical stuff. It was mostly going out for coffee and stuff. Then this new support person had to go on maternity leave (it keeps happening to women of that age) so I had a new support person who's a guy. He tends to have trouble finishing a sentence even though I already guessed what he was trying to say, and it took me a while to learn that I can tell him to shut up, especially when it's time to say goodbye. So that has taught me to take my place when I have something that needs to be said. In the past I was always waiting for another person to finish talking and I might end up forgetting something important.

I also went to an Asperger peer support group for a while. It used to meet once a month but now their meeting times have gotten more irregular and I haven't gone to their meetings since last summer. It was mostly talking about the flaws of health care personnel and social services, and random subjects. I'm seeing one of the guys on these lectures I've been attending and he has told me how things are going. Also I happened to run into one of the other guys on a website and we've exchanged some PMs.

These lectures I've been attending are mostly people telling their stories about how they have survived their mental health problems. I've told them I want to tell my story in some point and it's in the backburner but I need to process things through creative therapy to find out if I'm emotionally ready to share everything.

I've also been going to a students group, although next year I'll be moved to another group, I don't think I know what the new group is titled. But anyway, it's creative therapy, there's stuff like picking post cards that represent certain things in your life, or painting different emotions (anger/frustration, inertia, loss) or picking animal figures that represent certain aspects of my personality. It has felt sort of restrictive or silly because I think I can process things best through talking, but often I get strong emotions while painting and I may also start thinking about issues and find words for them during the following week even though during the creative therapy session I couldn't.

And now I also had this nutrition course, which ended today. We learned stuff about proteins and carbohydrates and we made lunch and breakfast. It was mostly fun, although sometimes the others were annoying me and also I had a hard time waking up in the morning since lately I've been staying up 'til 2 am.

My mom sent an inquiry to a private medical center, asking if they do Asperger testing for adults and how much it costs, they said 1000 to 1500 euros. Now we need to find if health insurance will cover part of that. I think we've waited long enough and it's quite obvious that without taking initiative, no one else is going to handle my business. It's a fact that a person can get screwed if they have no official diagnosis. All you need is one number on a paper and society will know whose responsibility you are. But without a number on a paper they can keep tossing you about like a ball.

[Piscator]

I'd really be interested in how the people in your therapy group (or whatever it is) are trying to help you, Seko, and if you noticed any improvements so far.

I've made loads of improvement during the recent years. I've gone through different types of therapy but it's mostly just discussing things that are on my mind and having someone listening to me and understanding me.

Yes, but what are those improvements?

The reason why I'm asking is that feel that I've much improved in many respects too and I'm certainly able to do many things I wasn't able to do a few years ago. At least with a lot less of mental stress. (e.g. meeting people I never met before, talking in front of others, talking in English, talking in front of others in English ) The only therapy I had was being forced to do these things (by life and by myself, not by someone else ) and I'm curious if that would be applicable to you too or if your case is completely different.
After all, you mostly seem to just talk with people in your groups and meetings and that seems to be something you can do without paying for it as well.
At least that is how it appears.

[SekoETC]

I've started telling people how I feel instead of just assuming everybody knows. I still tend to make sounds when I'm irritated instead of using words to tell people I don't like what they're doing, but there's been some improvement in that. I'm more aware of my behavior so I usually realize right after whining that it sounded stupid and childish and I should've used words instead.

I've came to notice that I'm good at a lot of stuff, again I may have assumed that if I know something then it must be nothing special because it must be common knowledge, or it's so easy that everyone can do it. Before I've felt like even if I was good at some stuff like drawing and writing stories, those are not practical skills so they're pretty much useless. Now I'm thinking I'm damn efficient at doing the dishes and I'm pretty organized and neat (even though my room is a mess), if I spill something on the table then I wipe it straight away. I'm better at cleaning up and keeping order than my mother (who manages to practically blow up any place just by opening her suitcase). If I don't know how to do something then I'll ask someone who knows and not just stand around looking stupid. Also if I see someone else standing around looking stupid, I can tell them what they could do next. I can suggest people do stuff without making it sound like I was ordering them, because I've learned to say things like "what if you'd do this" and "I've done it twice, X and Y have also done it, have you done it any times at all? No? Well, could you do it this time?"

I can tell people they are standing on my way instead of just standing around until they notice I'm trying to get past. In general terms, I'm not letting people walk over me if I know what I want or must do.

Some things are so heavy that they are best discussed with a therapist instead of a friend. Several times I've had to listen to a depressed person talking about their problems and it was greatly upsetting me because I didn't know how to help. On the lectures the people who have been attending for at least a year have learned to detect when someone is going too far and to tell this person to go to therapy (spiced up with an expletive which I won't start translating here). An important step in healing is knowing your own limits and not carrying your friends' burdens if those are too heavy. Likewise you shouldn't tell everything to your friends if it's something they can't help with and are just likely to get upset. I've tried to tell some people to go to therapy but they haven't taken me seriously.

[Piscator]

That all sounds perfectly normal to me or at least awfully familiar.

I guess everyone expects that anybody else is able to read their minds and I suspect that earth would be a much more peaceful place if everyone learned that it is not so. Seriously, everybody has to learn that.

And I also much rather give a grunt when I'm annoyed than say something articulate although that may be due to my crippled X-chromosome . I wouldn't worry there either. If you're used to be understood by your family it takes some time to realize that other do not.

I've came to notice that I'm good at a lot of stuff, again I may have assumed that if I know something then it must be nothing special because it must be common knowledge, or it's so easy that everyone can do it.

Of course you assume that. I always thought that calculating 28% of 120 is no big deal until I met people who can't. How are you supposed to evaluate what you're good at if you lack the references. That's again just a lack of experience with people not a sign for something fundamentally strange.

Before I've felt like even if I was good at some stuff like drawing and writing stories, those are not practical skills so they're pretty much useless.

If I'd only do what's being practical (that is, helps me making money) I'd hardly do anything at all. That's what being a geek/nerd is all about. Seriously, most people tend to be more proud of humanity's impractical achievements than of the ones that actually fulfil a purpose.

If I don't know how to do something then I'll ask someone who knows and not just stand around looking stupid.

I also much rather figure out how something works on my own than ask somebody. But I can tell you, you learn to do that pretty quick when you're working with machines that cost a couple of thousand bucks.

I can tell people they are standing on my way instead of just standing around until they notice I'm trying to get past.

You used to do that too? I still do that from time to time until I notice I'm looking stupid.

Some things are so heavy that they are best discussed with a therapist instead of a friend. Several times I've had to listen to a depressed person talking about their problems and it was greatly upsetting me because I didn't know how to help.

True, probably.

When I don't know what to say, I always tell me that saying nothing is probably the best and just listening helps already, but I have no idea if I'm right.
On the other hand, just talking with someone about a problem is sometimes enough to see it from a different angle and often it appears much smaller or not as a problem at all after that.

[Dudel]

I've started telling people how I feel instead of just assuming everybody knows. I still tend to make sounds when I'm irritated instead of using words to tell people I don't like what they're doing, but there's been some improvement in that. I'm more aware of my behavior so I usually realize right after whining that it sounded stupid and childish and I should've used words instead.

If your rude people move much faster.

I will saysomething like, "Excuse me!" With a very d-bag additude. With just a simple and friendly excuse me; I find that people tend to ignore you. When your rude it registers in brains much quicker that they are in your way.

I've came to notice that I'm good at a lot of stuff, again I may have assumed that if I know something then it must be nothing special because it must be common knowledge, or it's so easy that everyone can do it. Before I've felt like even if I was good at some stuff like drawing and writing stories, those are not practical skills so they're pretty much useless. Now I'm thinking I'm damn efficient at doing the dishes and I'm pretty organized and neat (even though my room is a mess), if I spill something on the table then I wipe it straight away. I'm better at cleaning up and keeping order than my mother (who manages to practically blow up any place just by opening her suitcase). If I don't know how to do something then I'll ask someone who knows and not just stand around looking stupid. Also if I see someone else standing around looking stupid, I can tell them what they could do next. I can suggest people do stuff without making it sound like I was ordering them, because I've learned to say things like "what if you'd do this" and "I've done it twice, X and Y have also done it, have you done it any times at all? No? Well, could you do it this time?"

Everyone is good at something! I find that most natural skills, one's that have to do with talent, are not too valuable. That goes with strength and intelligence. All can be taken advantage of but the sad thing is your better off learning how to wash dishes and take out the garbage.

I can tell people they are standing on my way instead of just standing around until they notice I'm trying to get past. In general terms, I'm not letting people walk over me if I know what I want or must do.

GOOD FOR YOU! Don't let the incompotents(noun) win!

Some things are so heavy that they are best discussed with a therapist instead of a friend. Several times I've had to listen to a depressed person talking about their problems and it was greatly upsetting me because I didn't know how to help. On the lectures the people who have been attending for at least a year have learned to detect when someone is going too far and to tell this person to go to therapy (spiced up with an expletive which I won't start translating here). An important step in healing is knowing your own limits and not carrying your friends' burdens if those are too heavy.

Why would you take a friends problem as your own? Helping or letting them 'vent' has never been a problem with me. But I will NEVER take it my responsability to fix or resolve their problems. My problems, if I have any, take presedance. Then after that my sleep does.

Likewise you shouldn't tell everything to your friends if it's something they can't help with and are just likely to get upset. I've tried to tell some people to go to therapy but they haven't taken me seriously.

First thing out of my mouth before I vent; "Not your problem but... [insert anger here]"

If they attempt to fix said problem I usually get angry at them. Which in the case they do it ONCE.
----
Well Seko good luck! Hope you feel better with your issues, not that I honestly think you have any. To be honest I think just a little effort on your or a friends could help with your issues.

I agree with Piscator and like I said before most of those problems can be fixed or ignored without the need for medication or therapy.

If stupid is allowed and encouraged everyday; Why can't your behavior?

[Doug R.]

I'm probably going to offend some people by saying this, but none of us here are normal. We all have some degree of social retardation, or else we wouldn't be playing this game. I look at people like my wife who I consider normal and accomplished human beings, and they have no concept of why I play this or what I get out of it. Their idea of gaming is playing Scatagories at family gatherings.

The truth is, if we didn't have some kind of issue, we'd be getting what we get out of Cantr in our real lives. We're just screwed up in the head and need the comfort of fantasy to act out our real selves, spending our real lives trapped inside the shells of our own inhibitions and dysfunctions.

**edited some crap I shouldn't have written**

I'm screwed up. I play Cantr. My favorite characters are who I wish I could be in real life; I'm just too fucked in the head to make it a reality. I have a few prominent extroverts in my life to thank for the majority of the social progress I've made.

I would be interested in finding one person that plays Cantr and also posts on the forums that couldn't be diagnosed with something if they saw a shrink.

[Mr. Black]

Mmm. Well, at least we're all kindred souls then, eh? As for what Seko listed, I bite my nails rather than sucking fingers, I always have; still the same thing though, I think. I find most people rather dull and/or stupid and despise having to deal with them. I introduced Cantr to a few of my friends, and they all thought it was either stupid or boring. I still make noises when I'm irritated or angry, rather than talking. However, I've always known the things I'm good at, and been rather proud of them.

[Piscator]

Why should we be offended Doug? You seem to mostly offend yourself.

But I fully agree with you. Normal people don't play Cantr. Those types are probably playing Second Life or something.

I would be interested in finding one person that plays Cantr and also posts on the forums that couldn't be diagnosed with something if they saw a shrink.

As for that, there's probably noone on the whole globe who couldn't be diagnosed with some kind of mental disorder. That's what psychologists live from. (I'm getting cynical again, sorry )

[Doug R.]

Those types are probably playing Second Life or something.

I really, really don't get why SL is in any way entertaining.

You seem to mostly offend yourself.

I've been depressed for several days. Ranting about how lame I am is usually the first step of crawling out of the hole.

[Piscator]

To be honest, I never played the game so I can't really say if I'd like it or not, but your disapproval proves my point, doesn't it?

I guess the interesting part is where you are able to earn real money.

[Doug R.]

I guess the interesting part is where you are able to earn real money.

People that waste real money buying fake stuff in a virtual world have much larger problems than any of us.

*Disclaimer*

Donating to Cantr is virtuous and commendable. Donations serve to keep the entire game running, and isn't even remotely similar to buying a new set of sequin pumps for your hooker avatar in second life. Without donations, Cantr would cease to be, and you'd have to take up smoking, drug use, or something even more insidious - LARPing - to get your escape from reality.

[TerribleTadpole]

Seko, you have a wonderful way of writing; direct, straight forward and personal. I've read some of your creative work in Stolen Notes. You have the ability to have or imagine an experience and then convey what it was like to have that experience; in physical and emotional terms. Your grammar, syntax and spelling are all flawless. You have a career in media if you want it.

You've had the strength and determination to learn what you need to operate in the community. If you can get a library card then you can buy groceries, have the phone connected, buy a TV and furniture. If you can follow a recipe then you can understand and follow pretty well any set of directions. And if you can do those things then you can do anything you want! If you're able to recognise when you need assistance and are able to go and get it then what else could you possibly need? Other peoples' ideas of what is "normal" are largely meaningless. Normal is what you are. If you're able to manage and look after yourself then what does the rest matter? Don't beat yourself up over it.

Maybe you're at the point where you can say, "Okay that's good enough for me. I'm ready to move on with my own goals rather than confirming to some other person's ideals."

[SekoETC]

I'm just about to drop out of school because I cannot finish large projects. I may set the goal too high and when I can't reach it, I can't lower the bar, I simply give up. Also project based work tends to have deadlines. I cannot stick to schedules because I don't just work a little bit each day, I work intensively for a couple of days and if it's not finished in that time, I get tired and stop working on it. I may get interested in working on it again later on, but in case the project originally froze because I couldn't figure out a detail, I'll probably run into it again and it will continue to be an obstacle.

I may cling to small details, thinking I want to figure something out even if the customer/reader/end user wouldn't necessarily know to miss that detail even if it wasn't there.

I can write of things that interest me or ones of which I have personal experience. But it gets difficult if I have to write about something I'm not completely sure about. If I think something I've written is imperfect then I feel anxious about turning it in for evaluation because the reader might point out the flaws.

I think I'd do best working on something where the day's work is actually finished during that day and it won't require long term planning. Too bad I can't make money by posting on the forums.

[Piscator]

I work intensively for a couple of days and if it's not finished in that time, I get tired and stop working on it. I may get interested in working on it again later on, but in case the project originally froze because I couldn't figure out a detail, I'll probably run into it again and it will continue to be an obstacle.

That reminds me that there are still some hats that need to be drawn.

Seriously, I am like that all the time. I work on something for a couple of days (hours) until it's starting to look like work and then I'll start something completely different. And then yet another thing.

Luckily won't have to earn my money in a creative line of work.