The Magic Vending Machine

[Torkess_theCommie]

You hear the machine crunching noisiliy before spitting out a hairball.

I insert my guitar.

[formerly known as hf]

The vending machine goes to roll its eyes, unable to believe the lack of imagination in choosing the guitar as an instrument to play. Then it realises it has no eyes. It then realises it has no brain with which it could even send nerve signals to its fictional eyes to make them roll. With no brain, the vending machine realises that is, in fact, in-organic. After this small stumble in self-realisation, the vending machine assumes it must be an exceptionally intelligent machine capable of existential thinking. It then goes to roll its visual sensors. It soon realises it has no visual sensors, and in a strange case of deja-vu, consequantly realises that it does not have the processing power nor the programming with which it could possibly roll said visual sensors. It soon comes to the realisation that its mechanical functions and primitive processing power are devoted to weighing coins it recieves, and dispensing some form of fizzy cocncotion as requested via a simple button interface. After a brief moment of abject depression, at the realistion of just how primitive, and downright pathetic, a machine it is, the vending machine has a short moment in which it ponders how it actually managed such an in-depth thought process as it just experienced. This moment is brief, however, as the realisation of its true existence eliminates all possibility of preceeding thoughts having ever occured. As the universe begins to re-wrap itself to eliminate any discrepancies caused by the impossible actual occurence of an inanimate vending machine considering its existence, the vending machine thinks one final thought, and decides that it will actually have desert after all.

As all this is happening, all you experience is a prolonged hum eminating from the machine, which promptly dispenses a miniature figurine modeled upon an original Transformer character, but stangely looking not all to disimilar from the shape of Condoleza Rice's penis, or at least it would, if she had one.

I put in a used copy of Giant Cock Monthly

[Phalynx]

The machine returns it to you with a printed receipt that reads:

This magazine has no monetary value being too well used to be sold again

I insert a coke can!

[Nixit]

And you get your refund. Woopdeedoo.

I insert the time.

[nateflory]

The machine hums, whirrs, and fades away to nothing, with a momentary image of a police-box hovering in the air where it once stood.

Then you blink and it's back, having dispensed a small paper cup full of something entirely unlike tea.
(sorry, could not help the references there! they forcesd me to write them!!)



I insert a small package of silica beads, taken from the depths of an old electrinics box in my basement.

[Nalaris]

A policeman pops out and arrests you for robbing your electronics box.

I put in the policeman.

[Phalynx]

A pig pops out, then remembering he has been here before runs of quickly..

I pop in a tube of KY jelly

[formerly known as hf]

The vending machine puts it in-between two pieces of bread, with peanut butter, wraps it and adds a label 'Kentuck style Peanut and Jelly sandwich'

I put in the Ann Summers catalogue

[Pie]

The machine spits out a paper mechey of an summers clearly made out of your magasene......

I instert my head and look around...

[deadboy]

It eats your head and out comes a perfectly formed pork pie.


I insert the machine into itself in an impossible implosion

[nateflory]

In a strange twist of reality, the universe collapsed upon itself, and in the process inverts completely. Nothing appears to happen, but left-handers now dominate the population, and green means stop while red means go.


I insert two Alka-seltzer(tm) tablets into the coin slot...

[Stan]

You hear "Plop, Plop, Fizz, Fizz" then a really loud metallic belch.


I put in a wooden nickel.

[formerly known as hf]

The machine dispenses a wooden can of cola

I put in the entire encylopaedia britannica

[nateflory]

An nigh-infinite number of monkeys, holding typewriters, pour out of the machine.


I put in a clock orbiting just at the event horizon of a singularity....

[deadboy]

Gah..... shock horror I've forgotten what an event horizen is so I'm just going to say this

Out comes a soda. Just what you ordered

I put in the correct change for a "super hydrated hopscotch machine", but one penny short