Cantr II Discussion Forum

A hint to understanding this story better. Think red, and it all comes into focus.


This is a story I wrote some time ago. It was inspired by things that happened, a good friend of mine.

You may notice the writting style is alot like that of the book "Who Stole My Cheese?!"

I hope you like it. Tell me what you think.

"Once, there was a man named Sunji. Sunji was a poor man. He lived in a housing project.

Everyday, Sunji would go to work at the factory. The man who owned the factory did not live in the housing project. He lived outside it, in a big house, with lots of servants and many beautifull things. His factory made him lots of money, and all the people in the housing project had to do what he said. This made Sunji very bitter. He disliked this arrangement very much, and rightly so.

Why should so many work to make one man rich?

And so one day, Sunji took his saber, and he went to the house of the factory owner.

"I work harder then you!" he cried" And yet you are richer then I'll ever be! I deserve this house much more than you!" and with that, Sunji cut of the head of the factory owner, and sat down at his desk.

"Now I own the house!" said Sunji to the servants "And I own the factory! No one shall ever have to work hard again!"

"Go tell the others! Tell my friends in the housing project they are free!" and the servants, who were no longer servants, into the housing project with the wonderfull news.

There was much rejoicing in the streets! People celebrated with displays of great joy! Never again would they have to work for the factory owner!

And so the people stayed home and did not work. They went out in the streets and played cricket and basketball. Sunji was happy. His people were free. And now that no one had to work, people were happy. But soon, the people found that they had no money to pay the breadmaker, as they were no longer paid by the factory owner, and he did not give them bread.

"I will lose money!" he said. And so Sunji gave the people all of the money of the factory owner.

But soon, again, a problem arouse.

"Why should I take this money" asked the breadmaker "If there is nothing to buy! The factory is closed, and there is no factory owner to pay for things which I would want!"

And so Sunji went with his great saber and cut off his head, the people took all of the bread, and there was much rejoicing.

But soon, the people found that the bread ran out, as they had killed the breadmaker.

"I decree that all will be able to use the breadmaker's house and oven, and all shall work together to make bread for themselves!" he declared.

And the people were happy. This seemed fair. But the people found that they could not make bread, all they knew was how to run the factory, and often the bread was burnt or undercooked, inedible, and there was again not enough.


Sunji knew not what to do. The people were starving.

And so one day, a man came along, a man from far away,he wore and odd hat and a backwards bow-tie, and said"What foolish folk! What poor folk! I must help them."

"I will sell bread in exchange for goods from the factory!" said the man.

And so Sunji rallied the people to go and work at the factory, so that they might buy bread, and there was soon enough food for all.

By this time, Sunji had begun to like living in the big house. He very much enjoyed it, and all the elegant things it contained. And by this time, he decided, that seeing as he'd set all his people free, and there was so much to go around, that he could start eating more bread, and he grew quite fat.

Now, Sunji began to like bread so much that he decided he wanted more,and as owner of the factory, Sunji ordered that they work longer and make more goods, seeing as it was his factory that fed them.

And Sunji was quite content with his bread and his factory.


But one day, the people gathered at his gate.

"We have worked through the night" they said" and built our own factory. We will use the goods we make to buy ourselves bread. We no longer work for you. You shall have to work at your own factory to get bread. We hope you understand."

Sunji was terribly angry. Whithout all those people working for him, he could not have extra bread! Without them working for him, he could not tell them what to do, which he did so enjoy.

"This must not happen!" Sunji thought. "I hate working! I like to stay at my home and wander among my elegant things!" and so he set fire to the new factory, and declared

"You must all work at my factory to get me bread, and if you do not I shall cut of your heads with my great saber! This is perfectly fair, fellow project dwellers. After all, I did set you free!"
And so the people were forced to continue working in Sunji’s factory, and Sunji continued to eat much bread and be happy in the large house among the elegant things.

One day, when Sunji was sitting in the office of the house, among the elegant things, a young man stormed into the house in a great rage. Sunji recongnized him as a worker from the factory.

The young man was carrying a large saber. He approached the desk.

"I work harder then you!" he cried" And yet you are richer then I'll ever be! I deserve this house much more than you!" and with that, the young man cut of the head off Sunji’s head, and sat down at the desk.

"Now I own the house, and I own the factory! No one shall ever have to work hard again!”






(I forgot to add, but I'd very much appreciate your honest critiscism on this, if you can. It would really help. Thanks!)

(Read the whole thing or do not post, please.)

nice

I honestly liked it too

How very kind of you to say. Thank you.

clever

A vicious cycle indeed...

Look east.

Think red.

And it all comes into focus.

Ha.

Nice triple post, Schme...

The last one was my favorite...

Gotta get that post rate up somehow huh?b

So, here are my impressions:

First, this isn't a story. It's a parable. The characters have the two-dimensional quality one expects from parables. As a parable, it is also really, really obvious in its message, even without the "look east, think red" which is completely unnecessary to ANYONE capable of reading it and synthesizing ideas.

For it not to be a parable, you would want to change a couple of things:
1) Develop your characters a little better. Who are they? Sunji isn't just a poor man who kills the rich factory owner. For instance: Sunji is a poor man with a wife and children and a secret affection for playing chess, which he can never afford time to do. He likes to drink a bit more than he should, but his wife takes his money so he can't afford more than a pint every weekend. This doesn't make him angry at his wife-- it makes him love her even more. Sunji has dreams and motivations, and he only kills the factory owner because the factory owner directly threatens, in some crucial way, the one thing that he cares about more than anything else (wife, children, his own happiness, whatever). Most importantly, since this is a story in which Sunji becomes that which he despises in the first half, the key to his downfall and the reason why he is awful to the factory workers later is to protect and support thatvery thing that he cares about more than anything else, whatever that thing is.

2) Have secondary characters. Everyone else in the story is nameless, faceless, emotionless. The means you have a two-dimensional character in a room of what are essentially props. Boring. Stories are about relationships-- build relationships between Sunji and the others. In fact, the young man who kills Sunji could be a trusted friend, or even his own son, now disgusted by Sunji's corruption.

3) Draw it out. You have a lot happening in very little space. In one sentence, Sunji kills the breadmaker, the people take the bread, and everyone throws a party. My word, you could make the first part of that an entire chapter-- the agonizing decision over what is the right solution, and Sunji's choices, and how Sunji comes to the conclusion that killing the breadmaker is the ONLY solution he has.... but it's a little easier than the decision to kill the factory owner, and he doesn't really know why. Or at least, a longer section.

As a parable, it's fine. Obvious, but fine. Parables usually are obvious. As a story, though.... it doesn't compell me.

this is why she's playing a book seller in the WWG lol

LOL. I don't think TSL knew when he assigned the role how appropriate it is.... I'm a published author, a tech writer by day, and hold a Master's degree in English Literature and Composition....