How to Master "Farting"

[jeslange]

I wrote this for someone else, but I feel it's time to enlighten all Cantr players on this very necessary science. This will teach you how to make very authentic vulgar sounds, and should not be mistaken for that "hand in the armpit" crap.

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Okay, it's best if you use one of those straws that bend near one of the ends, so that you can keep your head pretty much straight and nodoby will notice too quickly that the sounds aren't real. Also, a straw color that isn't too noticeable is of course recommeneded. However, the sounds can be produced just as well with any straw.

You just stick one end into your armpit and blow on the straw. If you squeeze the side of your arm that's closest to your chest somewhat tighter to you than you squeeze the side closest to your back, you'll find quite a different sound is produced than if you squeeze the towards your back.

I prefer the loud, "wet" sounding ones, more than the "Oh my God! I hope nobody heard that slip out!" ones.

There are many wonderful places to experiment with your newly acquired gift.
-on benches or outdoor cafe tables, or any sidewalk setting in general. Wait for a little boy or girl to pass that looks like they may have only recently graduated to big kid undies. Watch mommy check the kid repeatedly by pacing out several "wet" ones.
-In any setting where many people are in a quiet room. (school, church >.>)
-any setting where you are standing behind someone who is speaking or otherwise has the attentions of the others in close proximity. After the sound, the speaker will turn around to see who farted, and then realize that all who's attention he or she had is staring at him or her and he or she knows who they think did it.
-ANY time someone bends over in your proximity. "Excuse me, ma'am? Is this your watch on the- Oh my! Excuse me!"

You'll be surprised how many people will excuse themselves for a fart they didn't produce, because they don't want it to appear as though they're too spineless to take responsibility.

Oh! elevators are by FAR the best place to do this!!! Stand at the back, and be aware that you will be the suspected farter. Elevator "farting" deserves it's own paper, but here are a few pointers:
-If people try to let you save face by not turning around to look at you, sound hurt and say "Didn't anybody notice my fart?"
-If they look, smile and comment on what you've eaten (the more outrageous the better).
-Say "What!?", and fart again as soon as they turn around.
-If you have an elevator crowd that just REFUSES to acknowledge the fart in any capacity, then attack them with your absolute BEST series. My favorite is one that begins with a tiny "escapee", followed by an uncomfortable silence, then 2 or 3 more escapees, (the last slightly more intense than the previous, then a long wet one, followed by a "chuckling set", which is of course a replication of what might happen if someone were laughing and farting at the same time.

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Okay, troops. Go make me proud!

I do hope everyone will relate the unique situations they've created

[nitefyre]

Hilarious piece.

Wouldn't people notice the straw?

Its easy to make a farting sound with rubber bottom sneakers. Especially dragging just a bit, and on elavators.

[jeslange]

I will try the rubber-bottom technique.

The straw is only noticeable if you draw attention to it. A good "farter" is like a magician, and can direct attention where he or she chooses.

[The Hunter]

Ummmm. Instead of fake farts, why not eat a few cans of brown beans and make them real?

Imigine you standing in said elevator. When after the first one or two farts ppl still don't look at you, imagine their reaction when the smell starts to spread and everyone in that elevator suddenly decides the next floor is their destination?

Best even: Make the farts silent and when the smell starts to spread, notice the ppl looking around, trying to locate the evildoer while trying to act completely unsuspicious! HILARIOUS! '8

[SekoETC]

Lol, I didn't think straw thing would work but it's surprisingly easy! And when you move your arm while blowing, the sound changes. It's hilarious.
Hmm, if you squeeze the straw tightly in your armpit, you can feel the vibrations.. Sexy.
Third edit: I just noticed you can also use kneebend instead of armpit, easier for me since I prefer sitting with knees up. From the right angle no one would notice I'm doing the sounds.
Fourth edit: Gotta quit now, my father started yelling at me after what.. only ten minutes! But he makes real ones every day! LOL

[jeslange]

Thanks, I'll try the knee device .