Nevermind
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Seeker
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Coramon
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west
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Cookie
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@Caramon. A shopping list is a description. The section I quoted has no narative whatsoever. It was constructive criticism. If anyone else besides me had said it everyone woul;d have been kissing their ass.
@West. I'm sory I just don't happen to have a Cantr story to hand. I got some gangster stuff tho?
This was something i was doing for mafiarpg.com so it's formated for that and it's half finished and unchecked for spelling and grammar.
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Monday, 2:00pm
Gareth took a last drag of a blunt then passed it to another sat on the opposite sofa across the table, Kev.
Gareth looked over at the clock on the wall , five past two, he nodded as if in thanks of the time he had left before he had to go somewhere else. He lifted his foot up and down in the rhythm to a drum and base CD playing through the Hi Fi in the corner.
Kev: “Another one for the road Gazza?”
Kev asked as he pulled a cigarette skin out of it’s packet.
Gareth: “Go for it mate.”
Gareth replied before Kev licked along the top of one of his skins and joined it to another to double up.
Kev: “How’s your Paul doing nowadays Gaz, aint seen him for a fair time.”
Gareth: “None too bad, none to bad. He got that car he were on about.”
Kev: “Oh yeh. Any good?”
Gareth: “Nah, it’s a heap of shit.”
Kev laughed aloud before putting the newly rolled spliff in his mouth and lighting it. Gareth continued to tap his foot to the music as he reached for the joint Kev held out for him. Just as he took the first drag the phone in his pocket began to ring, he quickly passed the joint back to Kev and answered.
Gareth: “Hello…alright Paul man. What’s up?”
Gareth: “…slow down mate. What’s happened?”
Gareth’s expression dropped as he listened to his brother. He continued to listen a while longer before hanging up.
Kev: “What’s up?”
Gareth: “Paul’s in shit.”
Kev kept his calm expression, high from the marijuana he’d been smoking. He took another drag.
Kev: “What’s happened?”
Gareth: “He needs five grand by Friday. He owes Rob.”
Kev: “Rob, what’s he fucking around with him for. He knows to come to me if he wants somink.”
Rob was a local dealer, rival to Bez who Kev got his stuff from. It was the general way that people usually went to Kev if they wanted something, that way no one got in trouble with the dealers and Kev worked up a bit of cash himself for doing so. Rob though was one of the only dealers in the area who did the kind of stuff no one else could get.
Gareth: “I honestly don’t know mate. …he needs me to get hold of the money. Rob’s got something personal with him apparently.”
Gareth then dropped his head in his hands and cursed to himself for a moment before looking back up at Kev.
Gareth: “How in fucks name do I get five grand in a week, not even that long.”
Kev still remained calm.
Kev: “Chill man. …look, if you need it that bad…”
He took another drag.
Kev: “We’ll go to Bez.”
This was something to say, Gareth wouldn’t usually go to dealers. Mainly because if you got into their pockets your basically in deep shit.
Gareth: “I dunno mate…”
Kev: “Trust me, Bez is sound. Wouldn’t hurt a fly!”
Gareth nodded and took the joint Kev passed to him.
Monday, 5:00pm
Kev and Gareth knocked on the door in a very dodgy looking tower block in east Salford. They were at Bez’s, Gareth had never been here before but Kev had many a time. Noticeable by the nervous actions of Gareth on their way there.
Unknown: “Who is it?”
A voice came from close behind the door.
Kev: “Kev mate.”
The door opened.
Bez: “Alright Kev. Come in man.”
Kev walked in and Gareth followed.
Bez: “Who’s this?”
Kev: “It’s alright. It’s Gaz, you remember Gaz. You met him at Shaza’s do last year.”
Bez: “Oh yeah, little Gaz.”
He said ironically, Gareth was over six foot compared to his five foot eight.
Bez: “You were off your head that night if I remember rightly.”
Gareth just smiled and nodded, still slightly nervous.
Bez: “Come in mate.”
Gareth walked in, he looked around at the new surroundings. The place seemed pretty groggy. There were two girls in one corner smoking between them and in the seating area sat someone who Gareth recognized.
Psycho Phil: “Alright Gazza, aint seen you in years. Still with deaf Lizzy?”
Lizzy was an old girlfriend of Gareth’s who was deaf in one ear, he always used to get stick over the fact he pulled her. Gareth ignored it while Kev just laughed for a moment.
Bez: “Sit down lads, make yourself at home.”
Kev took a seat on a sofa next to Phil while Gareth sat across from him, shortly joined by Bez who laid back in the chair as if it was meant to recline.
Kev: “Our Gaz here’s in a bit of trouble.”
Psycho Phil: “No shit, he’s as white as a fuckin’ ghost.”
Bez laughed for a moment before turning to Gareth.
Bez: “What’s up?”
Gareth: “Our Paul… …he’s got Rob over his head about some five bar he owes him.”
Bez: “Rob? Fucking Rob. What the fuck is Rob.”
Rob was Bez’s only real rival in the area and Bez didn’t like him. Mainly because of one of his former suppliers, a good one, who Rob tapped up.
Kev: “He wants to know if you can help him out Bez.”
Bez thought to himself for a moment then smiled.
Bez: “Yeh, yeh I can do just that in actual fact. I got a job just for him.”
Gareth’s breathed a sigh for a moment at realising he was now in Bez’s pocket. Somewhere he didn’t want to be.
Bez: “There’s a bookies were doing, if you tag along we’ll let you in on the winnings if you catch my meaning.”
Gareth didn’t really have a choice, saying no would probably put him in a position he wouldn’t like. He nodded to the amusement of Phil who laughed and gave a sly wink to Bez.
They talked for a few hours over the specifics of the job, all the time Gareth punishing himself with worry over the shit his brother had gotten him into.
Tuesday, 8:30am
Gareth awoke to the sound of his alarm clock. The light of day streamed through the small gap in the curtains and lit a small segment of the dark room. He got out of bed and went into his bathroom. Looking in the mirror he thought for a moment: how was he going to get out of this now, he’d never done anything like what he was about to do today. Sure he’d had trouble with the law, but this was different somehow. He thought for a moment he might be sick but managed to gather himself. He turned on the cold tap and began to brush his teeth.
Tuesday, 11:15am
Gareth walked outside his home to find Psycho Phil and another he didn’t recognise waiting for him in a car.
Psycho Phil: “Alright Gaz mate, hop in. We got work to do.”
Gareth got into the back of the car to find a shotgun lying on the back seat, he raised his eyebrows at the size of it. Phil noticed his arousal.
Psycho Phil: “Fairly nice init. Kev told me you had experience.”
Gareth nodded, he used to go shooting with his Dad when he was young. The weapon was slightly different to what he was used to but he knew he could get the hang of it.
Psycho: “Alright lets go, as I said we got work to do lads.”
The three of them pulled up at a small bookies down a suburban backstreet. Phil turned to Gareth and threw him a balaclava.
Psycho Phil: “Cover up, don’t want to catch a could.”
Phil looked over to the other in the driving seat and told him to wait exactly there. He then got out of the car and Gareth followed, walking over to the bookies with their shotguns in hand. Before entering Phil turned to Gareth.
Psycho Phil: “I’ll do the talking you just look hard yeh.”
Gareth nodded and they entered.
Inside was a small room with a counter to the side. The only people in there was one female member of staff behind the counter and a seventy year old watching one of the monitors showing a horse race. Phil didn’t wait long before firing one shot at the roof.
Psycho Phil: “Everybody on the fucking floor.”
The old man almost had a stroke at the sound of the gunfire and was quickly on the floor, the female behind the counter moved to do the same.
Psycho Phil: “Not you, you stay fucking where you are.”
He threw a black bag onto the counter.
Psycho Phil: “Fill it!”
The woman said nothing and did as he said, even if her hands shook uncontrollably as she did so. There was little Gaz could do other than keep watch over the door. Before long the bag was full and Phil ran for the door with it, Gareth moving with him. They had only stepped a foot outside before the alarm began to ring, but they seemed to be alright. The other guy Gareth didn’t know already had the engine started and they both jumped in.
Psycho Phil: “Get us the fuck outa here!”
Tuesday, 2:35pm
Gareth was now outside of Bez’s place with Phil, the driver they were with had went off with the guns in the car leaving them there. With a nock at the door came the same questioning of who they were from behind it. Phil answered and Bez opened up.
Psycho Phil: “No trouble at all mate, steady work.”
Bez: “Nice one, come on in lads.”
Phil passed the bag to Bez and they entered, walking over to the same seats as last night. Bez sat down also and opened the bag up, he smiled as he looked at the cash and counted some out. He handed a large wad of it to Phil and just as Gareth thought he was about to do the same for him, he picked up another wad and picked a few notes out of it, handing it to him.
Gareth: “What’s this?”
Phil laughed at Gareth’s surprise and commented.
Psycho Phil: “That’s your pocket money mate.”
Gareth counted through it, there was barely two hundred pounds amongst it. He’d been done over, somewhere in the back of his mind he knew this was going to happen but denial stopped him from believing it.
Bez: “All in good time my friend. All in good time! You’ve only done half the job yet.”
Gareth: “I have?”
Bez: “Oh yeh, plenty to come yet int there Psycho.”
Phil said nothing and just laughed, just at that moment Gareth noticed a blood stain on the floor that he was certain wasn’t there the night before, he was starting to appreciate what kind of man Bez was. He looked over at him and watched him light up a joint. Gareth got up to leave in a panic.
Bez: “Where you going mate?”
Gareth: “Erm, I need to go and see Kev.
On the mention of that name both Phil and Bez laughed aloud.
Bez: “Kev?...”
He said as he continued to laugh.
Bez: “Kev had a bit of an ‘accident’ mate.”
Phil laughed again.
Psycho Phil: “Yeh he fell down the stairs.”
They both laughed in hysterics, Gareth blank face as if he didn’t get the joke, but he did. Kev bringing Gareth to Bez can’t have been taken too respectfully.
Bez: “Yeh that’s right fell down the stairs, right after running into my fist. Fell over that chair as well as it happens.”
Gareth looked over at the chair Bez pointed to, the leg broken slightly as if it had been smashed over something.
Bez: “No, not at all mate, you’d better stick around. As I said, only half the job’s done.”
Gareth sat them with them for a while and reluctantly smoked with them also. After an hour had passed the nervous figure of Gareth heard more of his ‘job’ from Bez.
Bez: “You know Yanker don’t you Gaz.”
Gareth nodded, Yanker, so called because he was half American and to most people’s calling a bit of a ‘wanker,’ was a bent cop who used to supply Bez through the drug raids he did in the area. From what Gareth had heard though, he was now supplying Rob. He knew what Bez was getting to, Gareth knew Yanker quite well and Bez was going to use this to his advantage.
Bez: “Drop him a call, I think our Yanker deserves a night out. Maybe if you took him down the dog racing tomorrow night, he might like that.”
Gareth nodded, after all what choice did he have.
Bez: “Don’t mind if our Pete comes along do you Gazza?”
He nodded once more before holding his head in his hands at realising what this meant. They wanted Yanker dead.
Tuesday, 8:00pm
Gareth had met up with Paul for the first time since his phone call yesterday. They’d met down the local pub, the Lion’s Den, and were sitting at the bar.
Gareth: “Do you realise how much shit you’ve got me in.”
Paul: “Look Gaz, I can get the cash meself it’s no problem.”
Paul seemed surprisingly calmer tonight than he was in his phone call yesterday, this was because he believed Gareth would help him out even though he said he could make the money himself, which he knew he couldn’t.
Gareth: “Oh yeh, sure you could. This is the last time your dumping me in any of your fuck ups. You hear?”
Paul: “Of course, last time. I hear you.”
He replied before taking another sip of his pint and looking on.
Bartender: “I’ve heard your in trouble Gareth.”
Gareth looked up at the bartender, it was Sevy.
He stood behind the bar cleaning an empty glass with a cloth.
Sevy: “Just watch your back ok, that’s all I’m saying.”
Sevy continued in his scotish accent before turning and walking over to a customer at the other end of the bar. Paul laughed and spoke under his breath.
Paul: “Says the fucking bartender.”
Paul continued laughing but Gareth really wasn’t in the mood. He was smart enough to realise Sevy was more than just a bartender, he probably knew more than he was letting on and this was making Gareth more worried.
Wednesday, 7:20pm
Gareth was on his was to pick up Yanker, he’d called him earlier that day to arrange a night out at the dog racing. Also in the car was Psycho Phil. Gareth knew why he was there and the thought of it was making him sick. They pulled up to the side of the street next to a long terraced house and shortly after Yanker got in.
Yanker: “Alright Phil, didn’t know you were coming.”
Psycho Phil: “Well you know, Gaz invited me along. Besides you know our Gaz’s gambling problems he needs someone with a level head to keep him from losing his hard earned cash.”
Yanker laughed but was in fact very uneasy with the presence of Phil. He met Phil through very much the same way as Gaz but knew of his connections with Bez and hadn’t spoken with him since he started working with Rob.
After a short drive they neared the racing ground, Gareth very uneasy about the situation. It was soon about to end though.
Psycho Phil: “Couldn’t pull over here could you Gaz. I’m dieing for a piss if I’m being honest mate.”
Yanker: “It’s only a minute away, you’ll be alright untill then wont you.”
Psycho Phil: “Trust me I’m dieing here.”
Gareth paid little attention to Yanker’s comment anyway and pulled over at the next lay by. Phil was about to get out of the car, but before doing so turned to Yanker.
Psycho Phil: “Couldn’t come with me could you Yanker. I get scared in the dark.”
Yanker’s expression changed to stunned in an instance. He stayed completely still as if his whole life was flashing before his eyes, it probably was. He panicked and jumped outside the car only to forget his side was inches from the road and the mass of a passing truck plowed straight through him taking his life along with the door. The car jolted and even Phil became nervous at a now complicated situation.
Psycho Phil: “Get out the car, now!”
Gareth didn’t argue and after scrambling over the gear stick got out through the passenger door. He looked down to see Phil outside of the car looking underneath it. With a knife he had in his hand, supposedly the one he was going to use on Yanker, he stabbed at the petrol tank causing it to leak a large puddle on the tarmac floor. He got up.
Psycho Phil: “Light it!”
Gareth: “What?”
Psycho Phil: “Fucking light it.”
Gareth pulled his lighter from his pocket but quickly dropped it, unable to stop his hands shaking.
Psycho Phil: “For fucks sake.”
Phil picked up the lighter and after moving back, threw it down at the puddle causing to lighter to explode lighting the petrol and within seconds, blowing the car sky high.
Thursday, 4:00am
Gareth and Phil had finally made it back to Bez’s, after running from the scene of Yanker’s ‘accident’ and catching a bus back into town.
Bez: “Who is it?”
As usual the voice came from behind the door, this time sounding far more tired.
Psycho Phil: “Who the fuck d’you think it is, let us fucking in.”
The door opened and Bez appeared behind it.
Bez: “Alright, calm down. Where the fuck have you been anyway?”
Phil ignored Bez and walked straight in and over to the sofas and sat down. Gareth and Bez followed. Phil looked more nervous than ever and angry also.
Psycho Phil: “He got run over.”
Bez: “Who?”
Psycho Phil: “Who the fuck d’you think. Yanker.”
Bez laughed and sat back in the chair.
Psycho Phil: “What’s fucking funny?”
Bez: “Well he’s dead in’t he. What’s the problem?”
Psycho Phil: “The problem? His guts are now all over the fucking M6.”
Bez: “Your problem mate.”
On that comment Psycho Phil got up from his seat and quickly, producing a knife, stabbed it into Bez’s head. Gareth covered his eyes at the scene.
Psycho Phil: “My fucking problem?”
Phil pulled his knife from the now shaking figure of Bez, foaming at the mouth as if in some sort of fit. Dieing from the damage Phil had done to his wounded brain. Phil turned to Gareth.
Gareth: “Fuck!”
Gareth jumped up in an attempt to run but was forced back into the chair. Phil lifted his knife as if to stab again but stopped suddenly. He paused blankly for a second before grabbing Gareth’s hand and putting the knife in it.
Psycho Phil: “Your fucking problem.”
On saying that Phil ran for the door and disappeared. Gareth looked down at the knife in his hand, Phil was trying to frame him. With Gareth’s involvement in all that had happened that night the crimes could easily be traced to him. Upon realisation of this Gareth dropped the knife and ran also leaving, the now still corpse of Bez dead on the sofa.
Thursday, 8:30am
Gareth heard his alarm sound off but was awake anyway, he hadn’t gotten any sleep. Not only was he no where near raising five grand for tomorrow but now he had the filth onto him through the death of Yanker and Bez. He needed to do something about it and fast. After some though, a whole sleepless night of thought, he decided to confront Rob. It could have been his death but it was his only option.
Thursday, 11:05am
Gareth had made his way to Rob’s place, he’d never been here before but he knew enough about Rob to know where he lived. He knocked on the door after a bit of hesitation and awaited an answer. To his surprise he heard a female voice behind it.
Unknown: “Who’s there?”
Gareth: “Gareth Caldwell, I’ve come to see Rob about my brother.”
A short period of silence then held before the door opened slightly, it stopped as the latch chain caught and the girl behind it peered through. Gareth recognised the face, Alice Renford.
Alice: “Gaz?”
Gareth: “What the fuck are you doing here?”
Alice didn’t respond and instead closed the door to release the catch and opened it up. She ushered him in and nervously looked around outside the door as if to check if anyone had seen him come in.
Gareth: “I thought you were dead.”
Alice: “Why?”
Gareth: “First thing I know your leaving needles all over the place next thing you disappear.”
Gareth thought for a moment, it was no time to talk about this he needed to see Rob.
Gareth: “Look, it doesn’t matter. I need to speak with Rob.“
Alice: “He’s not in, he went this morning. Someone came round and he left with them.”
Gareth held a hand to his head as if to nurse a head ache.
Alice: “Why do you need to find him?”
Gareth: “It’s our Paul, Rob’s gonna have him dead if I don’t get the five grand he owes. I’ve been trying to get the money together by working for Bary Henshal”
With the mention of Bez’s real name Alice’s expression changed.
Gareth: “You know something don’t you!”
Alice turned away as if reluctant to reveal anything more.
Gareth: “What is it? Tell us!”
Alice: “The guy who came here this morning, he said something about Bez. Something about Bez being dead. Rob got worried, I don’t know why. Then he got some stuff together, clothes and things and left. That’s all I know.”
Gareth looked into her eyes and knew she was telling the truth in her last comment. He turned and quickly ran through the door leaving Alice behind.
Thursday, 1:00pm
Sevy stood over the barat th Lion’s Den wiping it down with a wet cloth when Gareth came rushing through the door over to him.
Gareth: “I need to know what’s happening?”
Sevy: “Alright, alright, calm down Gaz. Come through to the back with me.”
Gareth walked through to the back with Sevy and sat at the kitchen table before telling him what had happened early that morning. After thinking a moment Sevy began to explain to Gareth what was happening.
Sevy: “Psycho Phil wasn’t worried about the cops Gaz, it would be too dangerous for the Cops even to touch what’s happening here. You see Bez was not working for himself, he was working for Den Cookson, you know the name don’t you Gaz.”
Gaz nodded, Den was a local crime lord, far heavier than Bez or Rob could ever be.
Sevy: “Phil was trying to frame you in order to prevent the mob, Den’s mob, tracking him down. Not the police. And as for Rob, he’s most likely half way round the world right now in fear that Den thinks he knocked Bez off.”
Gareth: “Shit, now what the fuck am I going to do?”
Sevy took a step back from the table and began to pace slowly around it.
Sevy: “Den may be a man an high places Gaz but he still keeps his feet on the ground. Every weekend he goes to the football, no matter what other issues arise. This is how you can get out of this.”
Sevy stopped walking around the table and took a seat next to Gaz.
Sevy: “Den’s right hand man is a guy named John Lloyd. He’s the only guy he knows enough to go with to the football, and it’s a good thing to. He’d be dead by now if John wasn’t protecting him. However, were there to be other circumstances, involving Den’s organisation, big enough to keep John away from that football game this Saturday, that’s Den’s protection gone.”
Gareth: “And what’s that other circumstance then?”
Sevy: “All you need know for now is it’s a heist.”
Gareth rolled his eyes, a week ago the idea of himself doing a heist would have been laughable.
Sevy: “I need you to get a team ready, people you trust Gaz. Then come back to me, with them, tonight!”
Thursday, 2:15pm
Gareth knew that he had little choice but to go along with Sevy’s idea, but first he needed to go and see Alice. That’s where he was now, at Rob’s place. He needed to tell her what had happened to Rob in order to protect her from the possible turn out of someone inside Den’s organisation. The door opened in the same way it did before, the chain catching stopping it from opening any further than half a foot. As soon as Alice saw Gareth she closed the door and released the catch letting him in.
Gareth: “Rob’s gone.”
Alice: “What?”
Gareth: “He’s in trouble with the mob, he’s not gonna be coming back Alice.”
Alice reacted to the news by kicking a nearby chair over and shouting.
Alice: “That fucking dickhead, all this time and he doesn’t give a shit about me!”
She turned to Gareth and started directing some of her anger at him.
Alice: “What about me Gaz, what if they come after me?”
Her voice began to lose it’s anger and tears started forming in her eyes, she spoke in a far softer voice saying:
Alice: “What if they kill me?”
She broke down and began to cry, raising her hands to her face as if to cover it up. Gareth took her by the shoulders and shook her slightly as if to say stop crying.
Gareth: “There not going to kill you Alice, trust me, I’ve got it sorted.”
Alice removed her hands from her eyes and looked at Gareth, she managed to smile slightly through her crying and moved closer to him, wrapping her arms around him. Gareth then did the same with has arms, comforting her.
Alice: “I missed you Gaz.”
Said Alice, her head resting against Gareth’s chest.
Alice: “I never wanted to go you know, it just happened.”
Gareth caught sight of an ash tray over on the table as he held her, inside it was a used needle.
Gareth: “I know, don’t wory about it. I’m back now aint I.”
Alice pulled back from Gareth’s hold and looked up at him before moving to kiss him, he went along with it.
Thursday, 3:20pm
Gareth lay on the bed inside Rob’s house looking across at Alice who lay beside him. She smiled over to him and he returned the gesture before realising he had work to do.
Gareth: “Shit.”
He cursed before sitting up in realisation. Alice reached out to him with her free arm and tried to pull him back as if she didn’t want him to leave her from this bed.
Alice: “What is it?”
Gareth: “Den, I’ve got to sort out this thing with Den.”
Alice: “Can’t it wait?”
Gareth: “I’m sorry Alice.”
Gareth quickly got out of the bed and began to put his clothes on. Alice sat up on the bed, her expression suggesting she still didn’t want him to leave.
Alice: “What do you need to do?”
Gareth: “It doesn’t matter, you don’t have to wory about it.”
Alice: “Can I come?”
Gareth stopped suddenly from fastening his belt buckle as if he had an idea.
Gareth: “Yeh, you can come.”
Alice smiled and got out of the bed to put her clothes on also. Gareth was thinking there might be a place for her in the job. Alice wasn’t a stranger to crime and wasn’t afraid of it either.
Thursday, 4:35pm
Gareth and Alice were at a block of flats in west Manchester. The flat they were outside of belonged to Eddy, or Mad Eddy as most knew him. Eddy was an explosives expert, he’d been playing around with gunpowder from the age of twelve and had became accustomed to many other materials since. The ‘mad’ part of his name came from the unnecessary pleasure he took in blowing things up.
Gareth walked along the corridor, Alice close behind him, and found Eddy’s door wide open. Gareth knocked still and asked the obvious question:
Gareth: “Anybody home?”
Mad Eddy: “Who is it?”
Gareth: “Gaz.”
Gareth opened the door fully and found Eddy inside, sitting on top of a kitchen worktable smoking a cigarette.
Mad Eddy: “Alright Gazza, aint seen you in ages.”
Gareth: “I’ve came about a job.”
Eddy raised his eyebrows and quickly put his cigarette out on the wall behind him, jumping of the place he sat he walked over to Gareth.
Mad Eddy: “Say no more Gaz mate, if the money’s good I’m in.”
Eddy caught sight of Alice standing behind Gareth.
Mad Eddy: “Fair piece of jewellery you got there Gaz, if you don’t mind me saying so.”
Eddy reached behind the door and took a coat of the hook. Gareth noticed a small hip flask he had in his hand, he presumed contained alcohol. He didn’t care, he wanted Eddy on the job sober or not.
Mad Eddy: “We off then or what?”
Thursday, 8:25pm
Gareth, Alice, Eddy and Paul sat around the kitchen table at the back of the Lion’s Den. Sevy stood as if he were teaching a class at the head of it.
[b]Sevy: “Den owns a club in the city centre, called Pulse, it’s fairly vibrant on most nights what with the student population. Underneath the club is an office where the club management work, inside there is a vault.”
Mad Eddy: “It’s a fucking steal then.”
Sevy: “
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Que personaly motivated criticism from Nick and the likes
@West. I'm sory I just don't happen to have a Cantr story to hand. I got some gangster stuff tho?
This was something i was doing for mafiarpg.com so it's formated for that and it's half finished and unchecked for spelling and grammar.
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Monday, 2:00pm
Gareth took a last drag of a blunt then passed it to another sat on the opposite sofa across the table, Kev.
Gareth knew Kev from School. A few years older than Gareth, he supplied most of the weed in them days through the contacts he somehow managed to make in the drug business. Gareth had became good friends with Kev since then and often went around his place to take various drugs and talk as normal friends do.
Gareth looked over at the clock on the wall , five past two, he nodded as if in thanks of the time he had left before he had to go somewhere else. He lifted his foot up and down in the rhythm to a drum and base CD playing through the Hi Fi in the corner.
Kev: “Another one for the road Gazza?”
Kev asked as he pulled a cigarette skin out of it’s packet.
Gareth: “Go for it mate.”
Gareth replied before Kev licked along the top of one of his skins and joined it to another to double up.
Kev: “How’s your Paul doing nowadays Gaz, aint seen him for a fair time.”
Gareth: “None too bad, none to bad. He got that car he were on about.”
Kev: “Oh yeh. Any good?”
Gareth: “Nah, it’s a heap of shit.”
Kev laughed aloud before putting the newly rolled spliff in his mouth and lighting it. Gareth continued to tap his foot to the music as he reached for the joint Kev held out for him. Just as he took the first drag the phone in his pocket began to ring, he quickly passed the joint back to Kev and answered.
Gareth: “Hello…alright Paul man. What’s up?”
Paul is Gareth’s younger brother and a solid friend. Having known him since he was born, Gareth knows a lot about him and been through a lot with him.
Gareth: “…slow down mate. What’s happened?”
Gareth’s expression dropped as he listened to his brother. He continued to listen a while longer before hanging up.
Kev: “What’s up?”
Gareth: “Paul’s in shit.”
Kev kept his calm expression, high from the marijuana he’d been smoking. He took another drag.
Kev: “What’s happened?”
Gareth: “He needs five grand by Friday. He owes Rob.”
Kev: “Rob, what’s he fucking around with him for. He knows to come to me if he wants somink.”
Rob was a local dealer, rival to Bez who Kev got his stuff from. It was the general way that people usually went to Kev if they wanted something, that way no one got in trouble with the dealers and Kev worked up a bit of cash himself for doing so. Rob though was one of the only dealers in the area who did the kind of stuff no one else could get.
Gareth: “I honestly don’t know mate. …he needs me to get hold of the money. Rob’s got something personal with him apparently.”
Gareth then dropped his head in his hands and cursed to himself for a moment before looking back up at Kev.
Gareth: “How in fucks name do I get five grand in a week, not even that long.”
Kev still remained calm.
Kev: “Chill man. …look, if you need it that bad…”
He took another drag.
Kev: “We’ll go to Bez.”
This was something to say, Gareth wouldn’t usually go to dealers. Mainly because if you got into their pockets your basically in deep shit.
Gareth: “I dunno mate…”
Kev: “Trust me, Bez is sound. Wouldn’t hurt a fly!”
Gareth nodded and took the joint Kev passed to him.
Monday, 5:00pm
Kev and Gareth knocked on the door in a very dodgy looking tower block in east Salford. They were at Bez’s, Gareth had never been here before but Kev had many a time. Noticeable by the nervous actions of Gareth on their way there.
Unknown: “Who is it?”
A voice came from close behind the door.
Kev: “Kev mate.”
The door opened.
Bez: “Alright Kev. Come in man.”
Barry Henshall, known to most as Bez, had only met Gareth once before, but his name was infamous in the area. Pretty much all the weed had ever smoked came through Bez in one way or another.
Kev walked in and Gareth followed.
Bez: “Who’s this?”
Kev: “It’s alright. It’s Gaz, you remember Gaz. You met him at Shaza’s do last year.”
Bez: “Oh yeah, little Gaz.”
He said ironically, Gareth was over six foot compared to his five foot eight.
Bez: “You were off your head that night if I remember rightly.”
Gareth just smiled and nodded, still slightly nervous.
Bez: “Come in mate.”
Gareth walked in, he looked around at the new surroundings. The place seemed pretty groggy. There were two girls in one corner smoking between them and in the seating area sat someone who Gareth recognized.
Gareth knew Phil from school. He was Kev’s best mate back then, aptly named psycho because of the stupid things he used to do. Gareth remembers once the time when he pulled a knife on some girl he was trying to pull who turned him down. He was an unpredictable guy, Gaz was not surprised to see him here in the home of a dealer.
Psycho Phil: “Alright Gazza, aint seen you in years. Still with deaf Lizzy?”
Lizzy was an old girlfriend of Gareth’s who was deaf in one ear, he always used to get stick over the fact he pulled her. Gareth ignored it while Kev just laughed for a moment.
Bez: “Sit down lads, make yourself at home.”
Kev took a seat on a sofa next to Phil while Gareth sat across from him, shortly joined by Bez who laid back in the chair as if it was meant to recline.
Kev: “Our Gaz here’s in a bit of trouble.”
Psycho Phil: “No shit, he’s as white as a fuckin’ ghost.”
Bez laughed for a moment before turning to Gareth.
Bez: “What’s up?”
Gareth: “Our Paul… …he’s got Rob over his head about some five bar he owes him.”
Bez: “Rob? Fucking Rob. What the fuck is Rob.”
Rob was Bez’s only real rival in the area and Bez didn’t like him. Mainly because of one of his former suppliers, a good one, who Rob tapped up.
Kev: “He wants to know if you can help him out Bez.”
Bez thought to himself for a moment then smiled.
Bez: “Yeh, yeh I can do just that in actual fact. I got a job just for him.”
Gareth’s breathed a sigh for a moment at realising he was now in Bez’s pocket. Somewhere he didn’t want to be.
Bez: “There’s a bookies were doing, if you tag along we’ll let you in on the winnings if you catch my meaning.”
Gareth didn’t really have a choice, saying no would probably put him in a position he wouldn’t like. He nodded to the amusement of Phil who laughed and gave a sly wink to Bez.
They talked for a few hours over the specifics of the job, all the time Gareth punishing himself with worry over the shit his brother had gotten him into.
Tuesday, 8:30am
Gareth awoke to the sound of his alarm clock. The light of day streamed through the small gap in the curtains and lit a small segment of the dark room. He got out of bed and went into his bathroom. Looking in the mirror he thought for a moment: how was he going to get out of this now, he’d never done anything like what he was about to do today. Sure he’d had trouble with the law, but this was different somehow. He thought for a moment he might be sick but managed to gather himself. He turned on the cold tap and began to brush his teeth.
Tuesday, 11:15am
Gareth walked outside his home to find Psycho Phil and another he didn’t recognise waiting for him in a car.
Psycho Phil: “Alright Gaz mate, hop in. We got work to do.”
Gareth got into the back of the car to find a shotgun lying on the back seat, he raised his eyebrows at the size of it. Phil noticed his arousal.
Psycho Phil: “Fairly nice init. Kev told me you had experience.”
Gareth nodded, he used to go shooting with his Dad when he was young. The weapon was slightly different to what he was used to but he knew he could get the hang of it.
Psycho: “Alright lets go, as I said we got work to do lads.”
The three of them pulled up at a small bookies down a suburban backstreet. Phil turned to Gareth and threw him a balaclava.
Psycho Phil: “Cover up, don’t want to catch a could.”
Phil looked over to the other in the driving seat and told him to wait exactly there. He then got out of the car and Gareth followed, walking over to the bookies with their shotguns in hand. Before entering Phil turned to Gareth.
Psycho Phil: “I’ll do the talking you just look hard yeh.”
Gareth nodded and they entered.
Inside was a small room with a counter to the side. The only people in there was one female member of staff behind the counter and a seventy year old watching one of the monitors showing a horse race. Phil didn’t wait long before firing one shot at the roof.
Psycho Phil: “Everybody on the fucking floor.”
The old man almost had a stroke at the sound of the gunfire and was quickly on the floor, the female behind the counter moved to do the same.
Psycho Phil: “Not you, you stay fucking where you are.”
He threw a black bag onto the counter.
Psycho Phil: “Fill it!”
The woman said nothing and did as he said, even if her hands shook uncontrollably as she did so. There was little Gaz could do other than keep watch over the door. Before long the bag was full and Phil ran for the door with it, Gareth moving with him. They had only stepped a foot outside before the alarm began to ring, but they seemed to be alright. The other guy Gareth didn’t know already had the engine started and they both jumped in.
Psycho Phil: “Get us the fuck outa here!”
Tuesday, 2:35pm
Gareth was now outside of Bez’s place with Phil, the driver they were with had went off with the guns in the car leaving them there. With a nock at the door came the same questioning of who they were from behind it. Phil answered and Bez opened up.
Psycho Phil: “No trouble at all mate, steady work.”
Bez: “Nice one, come on in lads.”
Phil passed the bag to Bez and they entered, walking over to the same seats as last night. Bez sat down also and opened the bag up, he smiled as he looked at the cash and counted some out. He handed a large wad of it to Phil and just as Gareth thought he was about to do the same for him, he picked up another wad and picked a few notes out of it, handing it to him.
Gareth: “What’s this?”
Phil laughed at Gareth’s surprise and commented.
Psycho Phil: “That’s your pocket money mate.”
Gareth counted through it, there was barely two hundred pounds amongst it. He’d been done over, somewhere in the back of his mind he knew this was going to happen but denial stopped him from believing it.
Bez: “All in good time my friend. All in good time! You’ve only done half the job yet.”
Gareth: “I have?”
Bez: “Oh yeh, plenty to come yet int there Psycho.”
Phil said nothing and just laughed, just at that moment Gareth noticed a blood stain on the floor that he was certain wasn’t there the night before, he was starting to appreciate what kind of man Bez was. He looked over at him and watched him light up a joint. Gareth got up to leave in a panic.
Bez: “Where you going mate?”
Gareth: “Erm, I need to go and see Kev.
On the mention of that name both Phil and Bez laughed aloud.
Bez: “Kev?...”
He said as he continued to laugh.
Bez: “Kev had a bit of an ‘accident’ mate.”
Phil laughed again.
Psycho Phil: “Yeh he fell down the stairs.”
They both laughed in hysterics, Gareth blank face as if he didn’t get the joke, but he did. Kev bringing Gareth to Bez can’t have been taken too respectfully.
Bez: “Yeh that’s right fell down the stairs, right after running into my fist. Fell over that chair as well as it happens.”
Gareth looked over at the chair Bez pointed to, the leg broken slightly as if it had been smashed over something.
Bez: “No, not at all mate, you’d better stick around. As I said, only half the job’s done.”
Gareth sat them with them for a while and reluctantly smoked with them also. After an hour had passed the nervous figure of Gareth heard more of his ‘job’ from Bez.
Bez: “You know Yanker don’t you Gaz.”
Gareth nodded, Yanker, so called because he was half American and to most people’s calling a bit of a ‘wanker,’ was a bent cop who used to supply Bez through the drug raids he did in the area. From what Gareth had heard though, he was now supplying Rob. He knew what Bez was getting to, Gareth knew Yanker quite well and Bez was going to use this to his advantage.
Bez: “Drop him a call, I think our Yanker deserves a night out. Maybe if you took him down the dog racing tomorrow night, he might like that.”
Gareth nodded, after all what choice did he have.
Bez: “Don’t mind if our Pete comes along do you Gazza?”
He nodded once more before holding his head in his hands at realising what this meant. They wanted Yanker dead.
Tuesday, 8:00pm
Gareth had met up with Paul for the first time since his phone call yesterday. They’d met down the local pub, the Lion’s Den, and were sitting at the bar.
Gareth: “Do you realise how much shit you’ve got me in.”
Paul: “Look Gaz, I can get the cash meself it’s no problem.”
Paul seemed surprisingly calmer tonight than he was in his phone call yesterday, this was because he believed Gareth would help him out even though he said he could make the money himself, which he knew he couldn’t.
Gareth: “Oh yeh, sure you could. This is the last time your dumping me in any of your fuck ups. You hear?”
Paul: “Of course, last time. I hear you.”
He replied before taking another sip of his pint and looking on.
Bartender: “I’ve heard your in trouble Gareth.”
Gareth looked up at the bartender, it was Sevy.
Gareth knew Sevy from regular visits to the Lion’s Den pub. He was the landlord there. He knew also of the rumours that he used to be a local gang leader, some believed he still had connections. Possibly why he knew of Gareth’s current situation.
He stood behind the bar cleaning an empty glass with a cloth.
Sevy: “Just watch your back ok, that’s all I’m saying.”
Sevy continued in his scotish accent before turning and walking over to a customer at the other end of the bar. Paul laughed and spoke under his breath.
Paul: “Says the fucking bartender.”
Paul continued laughing but Gareth really wasn’t in the mood. He was smart enough to realise Sevy was more than just a bartender, he probably knew more than he was letting on and this was making Gareth more worried.
Wednesday, 7:20pm
Gareth was on his was to pick up Yanker, he’d called him earlier that day to arrange a night out at the dog racing. Also in the car was Psycho Phil. Gareth knew why he was there and the thought of it was making him sick. They pulled up to the side of the street next to a long terraced house and shortly after Yanker got in.
Gareth knew Yanker from past experiences with the law, by making a friend in him he’d managed to get bailed out of a few situations in the past. All it took was a few offerings like this once in a while to keep contact up. Knowing Yanker, he wouldn’t think nothing of it. Just a normal night out at the dogs.
Yanker: “Alright Phil, didn’t know you were coming.”
Psycho Phil: “Well you know, Gaz invited me along. Besides you know our Gaz’s gambling problems he needs someone with a level head to keep him from losing his hard earned cash.”
Yanker laughed but was in fact very uneasy with the presence of Phil. He met Phil through very much the same way as Gaz but knew of his connections with Bez and hadn’t spoken with him since he started working with Rob.
After a short drive they neared the racing ground, Gareth very uneasy about the situation. It was soon about to end though.
Psycho Phil: “Couldn’t pull over here could you Gaz. I’m dieing for a piss if I’m being honest mate.”
Yanker: “It’s only a minute away, you’ll be alright untill then wont you.”
Psycho Phil: “Trust me I’m dieing here.”
Gareth paid little attention to Yanker’s comment anyway and pulled over at the next lay by. Phil was about to get out of the car, but before doing so turned to Yanker.
Psycho Phil: “Couldn’t come with me could you Yanker. I get scared in the dark.”
Yanker’s expression changed to stunned in an instance. He stayed completely still as if his whole life was flashing before his eyes, it probably was. He panicked and jumped outside the car only to forget his side was inches from the road and the mass of a passing truck plowed straight through him taking his life along with the door. The car jolted and even Phil became nervous at a now complicated situation.
Psycho Phil: “Get out the car, now!”
Gareth didn’t argue and after scrambling over the gear stick got out through the passenger door. He looked down to see Phil outside of the car looking underneath it. With a knife he had in his hand, supposedly the one he was going to use on Yanker, he stabbed at the petrol tank causing it to leak a large puddle on the tarmac floor. He got up.
Psycho Phil: “Light it!”
Gareth: “What?”
Psycho Phil: “Fucking light it.”
Gareth pulled his lighter from his pocket but quickly dropped it, unable to stop his hands shaking.
Psycho Phil: “For fucks sake.”
Phil picked up the lighter and after moving back, threw it down at the puddle causing to lighter to explode lighting the petrol and within seconds, blowing the car sky high.
Thursday, 4:00am
Gareth and Phil had finally made it back to Bez’s, after running from the scene of Yanker’s ‘accident’ and catching a bus back into town.
Bez: “Who is it?”
As usual the voice came from behind the door, this time sounding far more tired.
Psycho Phil: “Who the fuck d’you think it is, let us fucking in.”
The door opened and Bez appeared behind it.
Bez: “Alright, calm down. Where the fuck have you been anyway?”
Phil ignored Bez and walked straight in and over to the sofas and sat down. Gareth and Bez followed. Phil looked more nervous than ever and angry also.
Psycho Phil: “He got run over.”
Bez: “Who?”
Psycho Phil: “Who the fuck d’you think. Yanker.”
Bez laughed and sat back in the chair.
Psycho Phil: “What’s fucking funny?”
Bez: “Well he’s dead in’t he. What’s the problem?”
Psycho Phil: “The problem? His guts are now all over the fucking M6.”
Bez: “Your problem mate.”
On that comment Psycho Phil got up from his seat and quickly, producing a knife, stabbed it into Bez’s head. Gareth covered his eyes at the scene.
Psycho Phil: “My fucking problem?”
Phil pulled his knife from the now shaking figure of Bez, foaming at the mouth as if in some sort of fit. Dieing from the damage Phil had done to his wounded brain. Phil turned to Gareth.
Gareth: “Fuck!”
Gareth jumped up in an attempt to run but was forced back into the chair. Phil lifted his knife as if to stab again but stopped suddenly. He paused blankly for a second before grabbing Gareth’s hand and putting the knife in it.
Psycho Phil: “Your fucking problem.”
On saying that Phil ran for the door and disappeared. Gareth looked down at the knife in his hand, Phil was trying to frame him. With Gareth’s involvement in all that had happened that night the crimes could easily be traced to him. Upon realisation of this Gareth dropped the knife and ran also leaving, the now still corpse of Bez dead on the sofa.
Thursday, 8:30am
Gareth heard his alarm sound off but was awake anyway, he hadn’t gotten any sleep. Not only was he no where near raising five grand for tomorrow but now he had the filth onto him through the death of Yanker and Bez. He needed to do something about it and fast. After some though, a whole sleepless night of thought, he decided to confront Rob. It could have been his death but it was his only option.
Thursday, 11:05am
Gareth had made his way to Rob’s place, he’d never been here before but he knew enough about Rob to know where he lived. He knocked on the door after a bit of hesitation and awaited an answer. To his surprise he heard a female voice behind it.
Unknown: “Who’s there?”
Gareth: “Gareth Caldwell, I’ve come to see Rob about my brother.”
A short period of silence then held before the door opened slightly, it stopped as the latch chain caught and the girl behind it peered through. Gareth recognised the face, Alice Renford.
Gareth had a year long relationship with Alice before she became addicted to heroine and finally left him when he could no longer fund her addiction. It was highly possible a girl like her could have ended up with someone like Rob who could get her what she wanted.
Alice: “Gaz?”
Gareth: “What the fuck are you doing here?”
Alice didn’t respond and instead closed the door to release the catch and opened it up. She ushered him in and nervously looked around outside the door as if to check if anyone had seen him come in.
Gareth: “I thought you were dead.”
Alice: “Why?”
Gareth: “First thing I know your leaving needles all over the place next thing you disappear.”
Gareth thought for a moment, it was no time to talk about this he needed to see Rob.
Gareth: “Look, it doesn’t matter. I need to speak with Rob.“
Alice: “He’s not in, he went this morning. Someone came round and he left with them.”
Gareth held a hand to his head as if to nurse a head ache.
Alice: “Why do you need to find him?”
Gareth: “It’s our Paul, Rob’s gonna have him dead if I don’t get the five grand he owes. I’ve been trying to get the money together by working for Bary Henshal”
With the mention of Bez’s real name Alice’s expression changed.
Gareth: “You know something don’t you!”
Alice turned away as if reluctant to reveal anything more.
Gareth: “What is it? Tell us!”
Alice: “The guy who came here this morning, he said something about Bez. Something about Bez being dead. Rob got worried, I don’t know why. Then he got some stuff together, clothes and things and left. That’s all I know.”
Gareth looked into her eyes and knew she was telling the truth in her last comment. He turned and quickly ran through the door leaving Alice behind.
Thursday, 1:00pm
Sevy stood over the barat th Lion’s Den wiping it down with a wet cloth when Gareth came rushing through the door over to him.
Gareth: “I need to know what’s happening?”
Sevy: “Alright, alright, calm down Gaz. Come through to the back with me.”
Gareth walked through to the back with Sevy and sat at the kitchen table before telling him what had happened early that morning. After thinking a moment Sevy began to explain to Gareth what was happening.
Sevy: “Psycho Phil wasn’t worried about the cops Gaz, it would be too dangerous for the Cops even to touch what’s happening here. You see Bez was not working for himself, he was working for Den Cookson, you know the name don’t you Gaz.”
Gaz nodded, Den was a local crime lord, far heavier than Bez or Rob could ever be.
Sevy: “Phil was trying to frame you in order to prevent the mob, Den’s mob, tracking him down. Not the police. And as for Rob, he’s most likely half way round the world right now in fear that Den thinks he knocked Bez off.”
Gareth: “Shit, now what the fuck am I going to do?”
Sevy took a step back from the table and began to pace slowly around it.
Sevy: “Den may be a man an high places Gaz but he still keeps his feet on the ground. Every weekend he goes to the football, no matter what other issues arise. This is how you can get out of this.”
Sevy stopped walking around the table and took a seat next to Gaz.
Sevy: “Den’s right hand man is a guy named John Lloyd. He’s the only guy he knows enough to go with to the football, and it’s a good thing to. He’d be dead by now if John wasn’t protecting him. However, were there to be other circumstances, involving Den’s organisation, big enough to keep John away from that football game this Saturday, that’s Den’s protection gone.”
Gareth: “And what’s that other circumstance then?”
Sevy: “All you need know for now is it’s a heist.”
Gareth rolled his eyes, a week ago the idea of himself doing a heist would have been laughable.
Sevy: “I need you to get a team ready, people you trust Gaz. Then come back to me, with them, tonight!”
Thursday, 2:15pm
Gareth knew that he had little choice but to go along with Sevy’s idea, but first he needed to go and see Alice. That’s where he was now, at Rob’s place. He needed to tell her what had happened to Rob in order to protect her from the possible turn out of someone inside Den’s organisation. The door opened in the same way it did before, the chain catching stopping it from opening any further than half a foot. As soon as Alice saw Gareth she closed the door and released the catch letting him in.
Gareth: “Rob’s gone.”
Alice: “What?”
Gareth: “He’s in trouble with the mob, he’s not gonna be coming back Alice.”
Alice reacted to the news by kicking a nearby chair over and shouting.
Alice: “That fucking dickhead, all this time and he doesn’t give a shit about me!”
She turned to Gareth and started directing some of her anger at him.
Alice: “What about me Gaz, what if they come after me?”
Her voice began to lose it’s anger and tears started forming in her eyes, she spoke in a far softer voice saying:
Alice: “What if they kill me?”
She broke down and began to cry, raising her hands to her face as if to cover it up. Gareth took her by the shoulders and shook her slightly as if to say stop crying.
Gareth: “There not going to kill you Alice, trust me, I’ve got it sorted.”
Alice removed her hands from her eyes and looked at Gareth, she managed to smile slightly through her crying and moved closer to him, wrapping her arms around him. Gareth then did the same with has arms, comforting her.
Alice: “I missed you Gaz.”
Said Alice, her head resting against Gareth’s chest.
Alice: “I never wanted to go you know, it just happened.”
Gareth caught sight of an ash tray over on the table as he held her, inside it was a used needle.
Gareth: “I know, don’t wory about it. I’m back now aint I.”
Alice pulled back from Gareth’s hold and looked up at him before moving to kiss him, he went along with it.
Thursday, 3:20pm
Gareth lay on the bed inside Rob’s house looking across at Alice who lay beside him. She smiled over to him and he returned the gesture before realising he had work to do.
Gareth: “Shit.”
He cursed before sitting up in realisation. Alice reached out to him with her free arm and tried to pull him back as if she didn’t want him to leave her from this bed.
Alice: “What is it?”
Gareth: “Den, I’ve got to sort out this thing with Den.”
Alice: “Can’t it wait?”
Gareth: “I’m sorry Alice.”
Gareth quickly got out of the bed and began to put his clothes on. Alice sat up on the bed, her expression suggesting she still didn’t want him to leave.
Alice: “What do you need to do?”
Gareth: “It doesn’t matter, you don’t have to wory about it.”
Alice: “Can I come?”
Gareth stopped suddenly from fastening his belt buckle as if he had an idea.
Gareth: “Yeh, you can come.”
Alice smiled and got out of the bed to put her clothes on also. Gareth was thinking there might be a place for her in the job. Alice wasn’t a stranger to crime and wasn’t afraid of it either.
Thursday, 4:35pm
Gareth and Alice were at a block of flats in west Manchester. The flat they were outside of belonged to Eddy, or Mad Eddy as most knew him. Eddy was an explosives expert, he’d been playing around with gunpowder from the age of twelve and had became accustomed to many other materials since. The ‘mad’ part of his name came from the unnecessary pleasure he took in blowing things up.
Gareth came to know Eddy through a night spent in a cell in a police station. Both were bailed out later by Yanker but became good friends when Gareth managed to get Eddy work with the help of Kev. Eddy always seemed to be short of cash no matter what luck he had gaining it, spending it on a unpredictable Alcohol addiction. [
Gareth walked along the corridor, Alice close behind him, and found Eddy’s door wide open. Gareth knocked still and asked the obvious question:
Gareth: “Anybody home?”
Mad Eddy: “Who is it?”
Gareth: “Gaz.”
Gareth opened the door fully and found Eddy inside, sitting on top of a kitchen worktable smoking a cigarette.
Mad Eddy: “Alright Gazza, aint seen you in ages.”
Gareth: “I’ve came about a job.”
Eddy raised his eyebrows and quickly put his cigarette out on the wall behind him, jumping of the place he sat he walked over to Gareth.
Mad Eddy: “Say no more Gaz mate, if the money’s good I’m in.”
Eddy caught sight of Alice standing behind Gareth.
Mad Eddy: “Fair piece of jewellery you got there Gaz, if you don’t mind me saying so.”
Eddy reached behind the door and took a coat of the hook. Gareth noticed a small hip flask he had in his hand, he presumed contained alcohol. He didn’t care, he wanted Eddy on the job sober or not.
Mad Eddy: “We off then or what?”
Thursday, 8:25pm
Gareth, Alice, Eddy and Paul sat around the kitchen table at the back of the Lion’s Den. Sevy stood as if he were teaching a class at the head of it.
[b]Sevy: “Den owns a club in the city centre, called Pulse, it’s fairly vibrant on most nights what with the student population. Underneath the club is an office where the club management work, inside there is a vault.”
Mad Eddy: “It’s a fucking steal then.”
Sevy: “
--------------------------
Que personaly motivated criticism from Nick and the likes
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west
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Thetaris
- Posts: 331
- Joined: Mon Aug 22, 2005 3:14 am
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Coramon
- Posts: 380
- Joined: Tue Jan 17, 2006 5:15 am
- Location: The Two Rivers
I read the first sentence and stopped.
It really does take skills to screw up your grammar that badly.
1.) I'm not sure who is sitting across the table.
2.) You can't put 2 prepositional phrases right next to each other without a conjunction.
3.) You're right if this was West I wouldn't be bashing everything he says.
4.) I absolutely despise your writing style.
5.) This is a shopping list.
Gareth took a last drag of a blunt then passed it to another sat on the opposite sofa across the table, Kev.
It really does take skills to screw up your grammar that badly.
Gareth took one last drag of the blunt then passed it to Kev, who sat on the opposite sofa which was across the table.
1.) I'm not sure who is sitting across the table.
2.) You can't put 2 prepositional phrases right next to each other without a conjunction.
3.) You're right if this was West I wouldn't be bashing everything he says.
4.) I absolutely despise your writing style.
5.) This is a shopping list.
Wolf wrote:Hm... MTV Deathmatch: Caveman Clobbering?
Or... do they end up forming the local caveman union?
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rklenseth
- Posts: 4736
- Joined: Fri Aug 22, 2003 12:46 am
Well, people, I submitted it to the Chronicles of Cantr. Whether they take it or not is an entirely different story. But if they do then it will only be the first couple chapters. Later, if the first few chapters are a success and people want more, then I will publishing a book in the same fashion as the Chronicles of Cantr is being published now.
For those that have gotten a copy of it, I would appreciate if you didn't circulate it around. Thanks.
For those that have gotten a copy of it, I would appreciate if you didn't circulate it around. Thanks.
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Cookie
- Posts: 756
- Joined: Mon Feb 07, 2005 11:51 am
- Location: NE & NW England
Coramon wrote:I read the first sentence and stopped.Gareth took a last drag of a blunt then passed it to another sat on the opposite sofa across the table, Kev.
It really does take skills to screw up your grammar that badly.Gareth took one last drag of the blunt then passed it to Kev, who sat on the opposite sofa which was across the table.
1.) I'm not sure who is sitting across the table.
2.) You can't put 2 prepositional phrases right next to each other without a conjunction.
3.) You're right if this was West I wouldn't be bashing everything he says.
4.) I absolutely despise your writing style.
5.) This is a shopping list.
omg you just made up a crock of shit in order to criticize me for the sake of it.
Gareth took a last drag of a blunt then passed it to another sat on the opposite sofa across the table, Kev.
The first part of it invites the reader to think "who is the other," therefore perfectly lining them up for Kev's introduction. And as for grammar, check your bleeding eyesight...
This was something i was doing for mafiarpg.com so it's formated for that and it's half finished and unchecked for spelling and grammar.
Consider that rkenslth had redrafted his about five times and it was still a piece of shyte.
All i did was give rkensleth a constructive piece of criticism and all i get is some personally motivated bulshit about how everyone else wanted to kiss his ass but didn't get to because he took his story down.
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rklenseth
- Posts: 4736
- Joined: Fri Aug 22, 2003 12:46 am
All i did was give rkensleth a constructive piece of criticism and all i get is some personally motivated bulshit about how everyone else wanted to kiss his ass but didn't get to because he took his story down.
As far as kissing my ass, that is something I wouldn't do to myself (if I could) because that is quite disgusting. Plus, why would anyone want to kiss my ass? I don't have any special powers or anything in game or out of game so it really wouldn't be to anyone's avantage anyways.
Plus if there is any ass to kiss then it would definitely be Jos'. Don't know if he likes that but he is the one with the power.
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wichita
- Administrator Emeritus
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- Joined: Mon Jan 17, 2005 6:46 pm
- Location: Suomessa!
Cookie Monster wrote:omg you just made up a crock of shit in order to criticize me for the sake of it.
Now you can see why so many people dislike you and Schme here. It isn't a very pleasant quality in a personality, is it?
"Y-O-U! It's just two extra letters! Come on, people! This is the internet, not a barn!" --Kid President
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west
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Coramon
- Posts: 380
- Joined: Tue Jan 17, 2006 5:15 am
- Location: The Two Rivers
wichita wrote:Cookie Monster wrote:omg you just made up a crock of shit in order to criticize me for the sake of it.
Now you can see why so many people dislike you and Schme here. It isn't a very pleasant quality in a personality, is it?
It's not all a crock of shit. Just some of it. But I had more fun doing it than you had fun all last year.
Edit: Oh, and your grammar really is that bad. Setting the stage for someone who can read really takes more than half a sentence. It takes like maybe half a paragraph, or half a page.
Edit 2:
Kev: “How’s your Paul doing nowadays Gaz, aint seen him for a fair time.”
Gareth: “None too bad, none to bad. He got that car he were on about.”
I didn't think Gangsters and Hillbillies talked so similairly.
Wolf wrote:Hm... MTV Deathmatch: Caveman Clobbering?
Or... do they end up forming the local caveman union?
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